Bachelor In Paradise - Episode 1 Viewing Guide

Hello to all,

So with all the craziness going on in the world, rather than revive my blog with a semi-intelligent post about any of it, I have instead decided to blog about the current season of Bachelor In Paradise.

Why, you ask?

Because it’s a train-wreck of a show, among other reasons that I’ll go into in a future post.  Suffice to say that I love people watching, I love analyzing others’ relationships, and I like sharing my thoughts.

The general premise is this.  Each week, 12 attractive yet single men and women (6 men and 6 women) get to stay in “paradise” each week (paradise defined as a resort town in Mexico where the guests don’t have to think about any of the political or social problems facing Mexico right now).  Each week, at least one new person is introduced and at least one person is sent home.  For example, if the new person is female, then a female will be sent home at the end of the week to maintain the balance of 6 and 6. 

Contestants are trying to find “love” and not get sent home because they weren’t able to find said love.  Of course, a week is a pretty quick timeframe to find love, so let’s call it the quest to find “good enough until hopefully something better comes along next week.”

I’m a little behind in my viewing.  Maybe you haven’t watched the first episode yet.  If not, here’s a link to episode 1:

Since I’m behind, I’m stealing an idea from one of my favorite internet writers, Bill Simmons, and kept a running diary of the show.  (Times are based on my DVR and have not been adjusted for commercial breaks.)

0:01    Here we go.  And we’re starting with the crazy one – Clare from Juan Pablo’s season.  I pegged her as batshit crazy (or guano crazy) from episode 1 of that season. 

It’s like on a cd.  You want the first song to make a splash.  Can’t go wrong with Clare. 

0:02    And now Marcus, the stalker from Andi’s season!  Wow.  What a 1-2 punch.  Boom BOOM.  We just saw from the “Men Tell All” episode that he has not moved on from Andi.  This can’t end well.  I HATE his flip flops by the way.

I should point out that “stalker” is not the appropriate term for Marcus.  He got way obsessive with Andi WAY too early.  He’s 25 and just struck me as way too inexperienced to try dating on a reality show.

0:03    Sarah is new to me – I didn’t see the season she was on.  Like most people seeing her for the first time, I notice that she has only one full arm. 

0:03    Interesting reaction by Marcus to Marquel coming to the bachelor pad.  They know each other from Andi’s season.  I’m very interested in seeing how the dynamics play out between friends from previous seasons.

 

Personally, I loved Marquel and what he brought to Andi’s season of Bachelorette.  He has good energy.  And the way he dealt with Andrew’s alleged racist comments was incredibly thoughtful, mature, and educational.  I know that it has been difficult for people of color on the Bachelor/Bachelorette in the past, so I wonder how this show will go for Marquel (who is Black).  I’m skeptical of him being on Bachelor in Paradise because there’s so much potential for the whole thing to be a complete shitshow.  I don’t want my image of him to get tarnished.

0:04    Daniella just entered.  I don’t know her from the previous season she was on (I only watched the last two Bachelor/Bachelorettes), but I’ll tell you this much, she doesn’t look comfortable from the get go.  I don’t believe a word that she says.  She’s lacking in self-confidence.  And doesn’t seem too smart either.

I loved that Marquel says, “I hug.  I hug.”

0:05    Graham walks in.  He’s new to me, too.  Interesting – he’s by far the oldest guy here.  He’s 35.  Oh, maybe not by far since Clare is 33.  I think that the older male contestants tend to do MUCH better than anyone else.  They just seem to understand themselves.

0:05    Wait, who the fuck was Lacy on Juan Pablo’s season?  I saw that whole season and I can’t place her at all.  She seems somewhat down-to-earth and naturally the other women hate her already.

0:11    Just noticed that Lacy has a TINY cross around her neck.  Was she wearing that the first time she was on screen and I just didn’t notice because I (and everyone else) was staring at other parts of her anatomy?  I feel like a bad person.  But I also feel like she should wear a cross that is more proportional to the rest of that area of her body.

(I went back and checked.  It was there when she walked up.  I am a bad person.  See below, you can BARELY see the cross.)

 

Our “here for the right reasons” count is up to one.

0:13    Robert and Michelle arrive separately.  Michelle sounds outspoken and it seems like the women will hate her.  Robert seems like he’ll be around for a while because he’s attractive and not a boat-rocker.

Also of note, the ratio of white people to people of color is now 9 to 1.

And now another troubled yet nice guy walks in from Andi’s season.  Dylan.  I liked him. 

0:13    First unintentionally telling moment.  When Dylan and Sarah end their hug, you can see some of the fragility that Sarah has when people see that she has one arm.  Or at least that’s how I’m interpreting it.  That look of, “I don’t want to have to explain this to another person.”  It’s quick and fleeting – go back and watch Sarah’s eyes after the hug.  She never looks back at Dylan, just looks away to the left to avoid eye contact.  Maybe he stared too long at her arm when he walked up.  Either way, they have no connection.

0:14    What the hell is Elise wearing?  Is that a pantsuit or a 90s jazzercise outfit?  Or both?  NOT well thought out.  Oh, it is a dress.  Not that flattering.

And what the heck is that hug thing that Elise has going on?  When she puts her arm around someone, she does a quick rub/squeeze thing on their shoulder blade/back.  That’s not how you hug!!

0:15    Seriously?  AshLee?  Who spells their name like that?  Her parents must have hated her.  And is that what bad Botox looks like?  She just seems too puffy.  And her mascara is not flattering either.

 

0:16    A guy ALREADY HAS HIS SHIRT OFF?  I think that’s Robert?  He’s already shown that he doesn’t feel comfortable and needs to show off his body (which, I will admit, is very nice).

0:23    It’s always interesting to see the group when they walk together.  Who’s with who?  Graham and Ben seem to have flocked toward each other.  Marquel, Marcus, and Dylan who all know each other are together.  Marquel and Sarah are talking as they walk.  Clare is in-between the two hottest guys.  And Lacy is on her own making sure that her too-small bikini top doesn’t fall off.

0:24    I don’t believe a word that Daniella says.  Her eyes give her away.  She doesn't mean anything that she says.  Also the ratio of whites to people of color is 12 to 1.  Well done, Bachelor Franchise. 

0:24    I love the look on Lacy’s face.  It’s like someone else in the group said something incredibly stupid and she’s trying to understand what they meant.

0:26    Marcus has the darkness again!  And he’s now naked in the ocean?  Practically.  I guess that’s therapy for not fully being over Andi.  Or it’s an invitation to the ladies to join him.

0:30    There goes Lacy to join him.  I like that she is totally boy crazy.  Once again, though, who the fuck is Lacy?

0:31    I hope Sarah stays around for a while.  I like what she has to say.  And she knows that being physically forward doesn’t get you love, it just gets attention.  She seems to have a good head on her shoulders.

0:32    What the fuck?  Robert is saying, “he’s stealing my girl” after he and Lacy were in the ocean together earlier in the day?  How is she his property?  How is he paying so little attention to “his girl” that she managed to escape his attention on night one to go jump in the ocean with Marcus.  Looks like Lacy made a decision to go flirt with another boy.

0:33    Lacy couldn’t find a bikini top that fit?  Serious underboobage right now.  Also, I respect that Robert went to talk to Lacy directly rather than get all steamed by himself.

0:34    Elise takes her fate in her own hands and pounces on Dylan.  She already admitted that she had a crush on him since last season.  Do we have another stalker on our hands?

0:35    First kissing – Elise and Dylan – being viewed by Marcus and Clare (who I would love to see as a couple).  Marcus breaks the fourth wall by saying that what they were watching was better than reality tv.

0:40    AshLee is ALSO a stalker to go along with Marcus and Elise (kind of).  How the heck could you look AshLee in the eyes?  I guess we have Lady StaLker and Obsessive Marcus (OM).

0:42    I guess I missed the latest fashion trends.  The new thing for women is bikini tops with frills?  Or whatever it is that Lady StaLker is wearing.

 

0:42    OK, so Clare gets the first date card and asks Graham to go on the date with her.  But now Lady StaLker is all hurt that Graham said yes.

0:44    And Lady StaLker is showing her true colors.  Wow.  You’re on fucking reality show where people are supposed to find love and date each other.  You expect a guy to be devoted to you after an afternoon of talking?  Nothing turns a guy off faster than that.  At least the tears made her mascara look better. 

0:46    Lady StaLker is crazy, but if anyone could take the crazy, it’s Clare.  She practically invented crazy.  And as if to illustrate it, Clare is now having a heart to heart WITH HERSELF about not wanting drama on the show. It’s like Smeagol talking to himself at the end of The Two Towers.  The editors are making it look like she’s talking to a raccoon.  Maybe this is a plug for Guardians of the Galaxy?  Either way, it’s fucking amazing!  Though I'm not TOTALLY buying it.  I think this is just crafty editing to make her look crazy.

0:53    I feel bad for any guy who has ever dated AshLee.  The only way she can keep them is by guilting them into being with her.  At least Graham knows that she’s totally crazy.  Hopefully he’s old enough to have learned to not try to make things right but to cut the cord quickly!

0:55    Quote by Crazy Clare: “I don’t know what a vista is”.  WTF?!?  Your family speaks Spanish.  You live in Sacramento.  You don’t know what a vista IS?  That’s like saying, “I’ve never been in the ocean before.”  (oh right, you said that, too, with Juan Pablo)

0:57    During their date, Robert doesn’t quite seem into Clare.  He seems like he’s hedging a bit.

1:02    Lacy went from wearing way too flattering to way too unflattering.  And she likes Marcus.  Who is dark and brooding and obsessive.  And he’s never found the right girl (except for Andi) but he thinks that Lacy could be the one.  Ever wonder what the start of a downward spiral looks like?

1:03    What happened to Marquel and Dylan?  And Michelle K.?  And Ben?  Are they asleep somewhere?

1:06    Sarah is super cute on her date with Marcus.  I’m rooting for her.

1:08    Who is this in a pant suit made out of tissue paper?!  Michelle Money.  Who is she?  I feel like I should know her, but I don’t.

1:14    I can’t take AshLee’s face.  I have to look away.

1:15    Why don’t Marquel and Lacy get their cute little crosses together so that their crosses can date?

1:18    Is Mich Money interested in Marquel or Ben?  I’m hoping for Marquel.

1:19    YES!  Though she needs less make-up.

1:25    Mich Money and Marquel make a cute couple.  Wait…  Again with the frills on the bikini top?!

1:26    So all the guys have made a choice except Ben and Marcus. 

1:27    Oh Lacy, I had such hope for you.  But ever since you said that you were “80-40” on Robert vs Marcus, I just can't take anything you say seriously.  I wish you had paid attention in math class because your stock has fallen dramatically for me. And believe it or not, but if you shaved your head, you'd look EERILY close to Smeagol.  (yes, two Smeagol references in this one post)

 

1:28    And Robert isn't all that bright either.  It’s not “let’s cheers” it’s, “let’s make a toast” or “cheers” or “let’s say cheers”.  Saying "let's cheers" is like saying, “Let’s bon apetit.”  We’ll call them Dumb and Dumber.

1:29    Is this the start of a really bad love triangle?  Marcus is an obsessive guy and you can see that he’s started obsessing over Lacy already.  Dylan is giving him good advice to stay away and play hard to get, but I don’t think he’s listening.  Lacy is both conniving and attention seeking, but with that hair.  Meanwhile Robert is taking what he can get and is enjoying the attention he’s getting from her.  Maybe Marcus and Robert should go on a date.

1:30    Dylan is giving GREAT advice.  Too bad that Marcus won’t listen.

1:35    OK, so going into the rose ceremony cocktail party, here are my predictions (guys handing out roses):

           

            Marquel picks Mich Money

            Dumber picks Dumb/Smeagol

            Dylan picks Elise (though he may pick Clare)

            Graham picks AshLee (though he should pick Clare)

            Marcus picks Sarah

            Ben picks Michelle K (because they made a pact)

            As she leaves, Daniella will tell the camera that she wasn’t attracted to any of the guys

            And Clare somehow gets a second chance because there’s no way that she’s leaving already

           

1:37    AshLee really just said conversating?  I dislike her intensely.

1:40    It hurts to hear Marcus tell Sarah that he has no interest in her but that she deserves a rose anyway.  She's already said that the only guy she's interested in (of those available) is Marcus.  And when she hears that he isn't interested, she sells herself out by saying, that’s ok, I’ll take the rose.

1:41    Is Lacy really playing the love triangle game?  Take a close look when she and Robert walk past Marcus and Dylan.  She’s a little behind Robert and shoots a very flirtatious look at Marcus that seems to say yes, come play in my little triangle (double entendre TOTALLY intended).  It looks like she took Robert on the one-on-one date earlier only to make Marcus jealous.

1:42    Revised predictions now that everyone has had their one on one time:

            Marquel picks Mich Money

            Marcus picks Dumb/Smeagol

            Dylan picks Elise

            Graham picks AshLee (though he should pick Clare)

            Dumber picks Clare

            Ben picks Daniella

            Sarah is hurt

            Michelle K is like whatever

1:43    Marquel looks like he’s a ventriloquist’s dummy in his purple plaid outfit with suspenders.  I wish I could find a picture of this.

1:47    Huh.  So you are ALLOWED to decline a rose.  Interesting.

1:49    OK, so Michelle K would rather not get rejected and so she just pre-empted the whole thing by leaving.

1:51    The lightning strike right as Graham picked Lady StaLker was quite apropos.  Graham’s such a wuss.

1:52    Marcus gets to give a rose before Dumber.  He’s too young to know to stay out of games.  I predict that he’s going with Dumb.

1:53    Yup.  I was right!

1:54    Man, this sucks.  I liked Sarah the best.  She should stay.  But I predict that Ben is going with Daniella, right?  WRONG!  So happy to be wrong.

1:56    It’s interesting who everyone hugs first after the rose ceremony.  Dumb and Dumber.  Sarah and Ben.  Marquel and Mich Money.

I was 7 for 8 on my last set of predictions.  Not bad.  Then again, it wasn’t too hard to guess.

Stay tuned for next week where Michelle K comes back and someone gets arrested?  I know I should just look away, but I already can’t.