Bachelor In Paradise – Episode 2 Viewing Guide: When Crazy Looks At Itself In The Mirror And Thinks, "Thank God I’m Not As Crazy As That!"

First off, Justin and Jessica challenged me to take a shot for every time Elise said Dylan or something incomprehensible.  A shot of alcohol would have killed me, though a shot of beer would not have been as bad as one would have thought.  I was still taking a swig every time one of the aforementioned things happened and only managed to make it through a little more than one beer.


You know, I had this whole idea about how I was going to write about Elise’s quick jaunt into crazytown and then decided to rent a room and take up residence there.  But I felt like that would be too easy.  That isn’t to say, I won’t talk about it, I just won’t spend too much time there. 

For those of you who have not yet decided to watch TTWWCBIP*, let me recap.  In episode 1, Elise tells the one-on-one camera that she has a huge crush on Dylan and she’s coming to Bachelor In Paradise to find love with him.  She does what any normal person with an obsessive crush would do, she meets him the first day, makes out with him, and the two become inseparable immediately.  In other words, she had already had the relationship with him in her mind BEFORE THEY MET.  Actually meeting was just a formality so that she could live out her fantasy.  

In episode 2, Dylan starts saying that he feels smothered and that they should meet other people on the island.  As he so un-artfully put it, he was fine if either of them got asked on a date by another person on BIP.  Elise did what anyone would do when their carefully crafted fantasy world comes crashing down: she had way too much to drink, put on a bikini that left way too little to the imagination (seriously, BIP had to edit in a bikini bottom because her g-string was, well, too much like string), and then went in the ocean and had a sexual encounter with whoever was willing to take advantage of her.  (And it was more than making out.)  “I mean, who hasn’t done that?” I said facetiously.

Then she did the inevitable – feel really bad, cry about it, talk to everyone else about it, and hope that her fantasy world would come back out of sheer repetition of it.  It’s like if Beetlejuice didn’t appear after saying his name three times and you said his name another 200 times and thought, “well if I say it ONE MORE TIME, maybe then it’ll work.”

Whatever.  We all saw it coming.  Sadly, we all can think of a time when something like that has happened to someone we know.

HOWEVER, I will say this.  What happened with Chris and Elise in the ocean was definitely toeing the line of consent (if not jumping over it).  Elise was at least tipsy, if not drunk, when she went on her ocean romp and I’m more than a little uncomfortable with the fact that everyone in the cast and crew watched it without intervening.  I think someone actually said, “she’s going to regret this tomorrow.”  All someone needed to do was go out into the ocean and say, “hey, why don’t you guys cool it down.”

* The Train Wreck We Call Bachelor In Paradise

The Mystery of Marquel – EXPLAINED

You may be wondering why Marquel would mention to his crush, Mich Money, that he felt that she drank too much mere minutes before the rose ceremony… and thus endangering his chances of getting a rose.    You may also be wondering why he was wearing the same glasses I had in 6^th grade (25 years ago) and why Mich Money was wearing a headpiece.  I have no answers for the accessory-ware.

HOWEVER, I can explain this…

Think about what goes on during Bachelor in Paradise.  You have 12-14 people just hanging out all day for a week in the same place.  Occasionally, two people leave for a date, but the remaining 10-12 just stay and do nothing all day.  They can’t communicate with friends at home.  They don’t seem to have too many “books”.  Being on BIP looks like it would get old very fast UNLESS you like high school drama.  And there’s a core group of like 7-8 people who love spending time talking about who is doing what: Graham, AshLee, Mich Money, Ben, Chris, Sarah, Clare, and Robert.

Notice how often Marquel is not “with” the group.  He spends lots of time in his room.  Mich Money is right in the center of it all.  They are definitely not clicking.  And I think that Marquel is doubting whether or not BIP is for him.  If he were to not get a rose, then that’s an easy way home.

The “Right Reasons” Myth and How We Don’t Give A Shit

Dear Producers of The Bachelor/Bachelorette/Bachelor In Paradise,

Please stop pushing this notion that some people are there for the right reasons (to find love) and some are there for the wrong reasons (to be on tv).  From our perspective, no one is there for the right reasons.  All we want is compelling tv.  For example, these are some things we care about: whether or not Elise truly believes that she’s going to have a fairytale ending with Dylan, Sarah’s biting commentary about everyone else on the show, love triangles.  And these are some things we couldn’t care less about: whether Michelle K. hooked up with a cameraman, whether Ben has fallen in love with someone back at home, Chris making an obvious attempt to prolong his 15 minutes of fame.

Thank you,

Josh

Voices of Reason vs 15 Minutes of Fame vs Voices in One’s Head

The way I see it, the producers need to maintain a balance on Bachelor In Paradise of the different personality types.  Upsetting the balance leads to progressively bad tv.

Voices of Reason: (see Sarah, Dylan) These are the people who end up counseling the crazies on the show.  They are the ones who don’t just fall in love with the first person they meet – they have standards.  They also make the show watchable.

15 Minutes of Fame: (see Chris, Ben) These are the people who are on the show for the notoriety it will bring them.  Who knows, maybe they like the format.  Maybe they like being paid to sit around and drink and ogle attractive men/women.  I consider these people to be filler.  They're a dime a dozen and we just don't really care about them too much.

Voices in One’s Head: (see Elise, AshLee) These are the people who get attached to someone right away.  The obsessives.  The crazies.  Too many of these and the show becomes complete trash.

Here’s the thing:

Fame Seekers and Crazies make a natural self-sustaining relationship.  The Fame Seeker knows that he/she is never getting kicked off, no matter what they do, because the Crazies don’t know when to say “enough.”

Fame Seekers can date other Fame Seekers.  That works.  It isn’t compelling tv, though.

Crazies can’t date Crazies.  That leads to domestic violence.

VOR (Voices of Reason) can’t date Crazies.  They realize that Crazy always stay Crazy.  And that gets scary (see Elise and Dylan)

VOR can’t date Fame Seekers.  I guess it is POSSIBLE, but ultimately, the Fame Seeker is being fake and the VOR can’t take it for too long (see Marquel and Mich Money)

VOR can date VOR.  But it isn’t compelling tv to watch a healthy relationship develop (I guess).

As long as we’re keeping score, I think this:

VOR – Marquel, Dylan, Sarah,

Crazies – Elise, AshLee, Clare, Marcus

Fame Seekers – Mich Money, Michelle K, Chris, Graham, Lacy, Daniella, Ben

Uncertain – Robert, Zack (though neither are crazy)

Notice the relationships:

Elise (Crazy) and Dylan (VOR)… didn’t work.  Elise (Crazy) and Chris (Fame Seeker)

Seriously, shave her head and she's Smeagol!  My preciousss

Marquel (VOR) and Mich Money (Fame) – not working

Marcus (Crazy) and Lacy (Fame) – working

Graham (Fame) and AshLee (Crazy) – working

Lacy (Fame) and Robert (Anything But Crazy) – didn’t work

Clare (Crazy) and Zack (Anything But Crazy) – currently working

Sarah Rules

I just want to say that I loved how Sarah handled the whole potential messy situation with the Crazy friend (Elise) and guy who was suddenly interested in her (Dylan).  Remember in the first episode where I said that there was no chemistry between her and Dylan?  Well, Sarah had a chance to give a rose to Dylan - a guy who was expressing interest in her.  She saw through Dylan’s play (she was the only single woman left) and held true to her first impression of Dylan.  It’s possible that she’ll be the odd woman out next week, but I like that she didn’t give in.

Other Comments That Need Addressing

Elise wins for most absurd comments this week.  Here are some samples:

“He put me in the shark tank”

“This is a bad nightmare” (as opposed to a good nightmare?)

“You’re literally killing me”  (shaking my head)

“But I was thinking about you the whole time” (in response to her making out with another guy)

BUT, let’s not forget some of the other ridiculous comments:

From Dumb (Lacy):

“I’m esstatic”

“It’s just Marcus and I now.”  (I know, I know, I’m petty for noticing bad grammar)

From Clare:

“Zack has good pheromones.  Is that crazy?”  (to which all of America said YES)

“Get ready for the shitshow”  (once again breaking the fourth wall)

From Idiot Chris:

Actually, before I even address Chris, let me state how obvious it is that he loves being on tv.  With his IQ, he should be on Real World or Real Househusbands of El Paso or Celebrity Rehab.  But the problem is that he thinks he’s smart and conniving simply because he’s willing to be the asshole while everyone else is playing fair.

“Dylan looks like a fat version of Matt Damon.  I’ll call him Fat Damon”  He also threw in a horrible Good Will Hunting pun that I am happy I can’t remember.  Seriously, I feel myself get dumber while he’s on screen.

Predictions Gone Wild

Before the Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party, I predicted the following:

Clare picks Zack

Sarah picks Robert

Mich Money picks Marquel

AshLee picks Graham

Elise picks Dylan (and Dylan says no) and then picks Chris

Lacy picks Marcus

Dylan goes home

AFTER the cocktail party, I wavered, and said that Sarah would pick Dylan.  I should have stuck to my guns!!  And I wish I had predicted that Elise would give a rambling speech after Dylan said no to the rose.