Bachelor In Paradise - Episode 5 Viewer's Guide: A Changing of the Guard

Shit.  So I’m falling behind on my blog.  And, more importantly, I’m falling behind on the show.  There are still two episodes left for me to see.

Not just that, but my last blog post had a few predictions/assertions that were way off. 

Prediction #1) AshLee and Graham are in trouble as a couple.

Commentary: They definitely weren’t in trouble this past episode.  Graham had a quick bout of sickness, but he didn’t have any second thoughts about AshLee.  They went on an innocuous-looking date where they drove fast cars.  I found it interesting that very, very little of the date was shown.  On their first date, they were super romantic and both thought about spending the night together.  This date was just driving cars?  No dinner?  No kissing?  On EVERY OTHER DATE ON THE SHOW, they show us the romance, the talking about how fast they got so close, the kissing, the random and awkward concert for two by some esoteric band, no matter how much it is a repeat of every other date on the show.  Why was this omitted?  You're telling me that Graham never asked AshLee why she hid her disagreement with Clare from him?  You're telling me that Graham didn't ask AshLee why she didn't show any concern for Graham when he was hyperventilating during the rose ceremony?  Something is amiss.

Assertion #1) Cody is a Voice of Reason.

Commentary: OK, I will stand by my assertion that Cody knows how to read people, but I’ll revise it to say that Cody knows how to read anyone EXCEPT a female he’s interested in.  Anytime I hear a person talk about marriage during their first date (or their life together), I’m sorry, but that strikes the Crazy nerve for me.  In his case, I agree (yikes) with Lacy, I think he’s very inexperienced.  But I’m sorry, if you’re 29, totally inexperienced with dating, and you go on a reality show where you’re supposed to find love, you’re either a fame seeker or you’ve got a couple screws loose.

Also, Cody, I don't know how to spell the pronunciation you gave for Valladolid, but I'm pretty sure that the Italian accent you used was wrong.

Prediction #2) The blood and ambulance from the season preview is due to a suicide attempt.

Commentary: I don’t think so, especially since the ambulance was used for Lacy's sickness.  Maybe Marcus's polka dot dress socks were the source of her pain  I found her being sick and no one having a clue amusing.  No one thinks that she's just dehydrated after being in the sun drinking alcohol all day.

I forgot from the previews that there was also a shot of handcuffs.  I think there’s a fight at some point.  But it’s going to end up being minor.  A broken nose or something like that.  Definitely not as dramatic as the previews make it look.

Now with that said, I do want to point out that I was right on my predictions as to who would get roses at the end of episode 4.

The Crazy Is Gone…

I did NOT foresee Clare leaving like that.  Here’s the problem with Clare’s Crazy, she sees any normal interaction between romantic partners as a threat.  She can’t handle even the notion that her guy isn't 100% invested in her.  When Zack was trying to have a real conversation with her about their relationship, she proved that she couldn’t handle it like a mature adult.  They’ve known each other for three weeks, so his statement that they’ve gotten serious pretty quickly is not inaccurate.  Nor is it a death sentence.  All she needed to say was, "Yes, things have moved pretty fast, but I like where it's going so far."

But rather than hear what he is saying, all Clare could hear was “this is a threat to my vision of love”.  At the same time, she couldn’t hear Zack turning down a date with Christy as confirmation of his commitment to her.  Two actions: one interpreted as a threat and the other completely discounted.

Clare confesses that she wants a person who just wants to be with her.  What she doesn’t seem to understand is that a relationship like that needs to build over time.  When any building is considered a threat, she is doomed to an unsatisfying love life.

When Zack was woken up from a deep slumber (at like 2am) by Clare to tell him that she was leaving, you could see the conflict in him as if he was Darth Vader in Return of the Jedi.  On one hand, he was telling her not to leave and that he wanted her there (which was what she wanted to hear).  On the other hand, he knew that he was fed up with her antics, he wasn't having fun on the show, and he was ready for her to leave.

That said, the producers of the show did Clare no favors – they played up her craziness big time.  

Long Live The Crazy

As Clare left, I thought to myself, “who will fill the crazy void in Clare’s absence?”  Even when Elise left, no one filled the vacancy.  Luckily Cody showed his true colors AND Christy showed up.  (Also, a note to all of you who think that Lucy was another Crazy, you are mistaken.  She is a hard-core fame seeker.)

First, let’s discuss Cody.  Cody, the man who does bench presses with his lady (though I figured that was to entertain Lacy and Marcus who had just returned from the hospital).  Cody, the man who just three days ago was TOTALLY into Clare.  Cody, the man who intimated to the private camera that his mistake with Andi was holding back too much at first.

My favorite part of the whole date was when Cody said to Mich Money that he “hopes these pictures are on our wall someday”.  Her reaction was fantastic: she bugged her eyes a bit and bit her tongue and gulped extra hard, thinking “ohhhhhh shit”.

When even Lacy says you’re inexperienced and trying too hard, you’re in trouble.  Cody doesn’t know how to gauge a woman’s interest in him.  With Andi, Mich Money, and even Clare, he has shown that his M.O. is to push these women to the limit when they finally have to say, “enough!”  It’s almost as if he needs that reaction to believe that they notice his interest. With Mich Money, they had a nice, organic first "date" where Cody gave her a back and arm massage.  She thought it was really nice.  The next day, he's admitting to her that he was there for Clare originally, but now he's there for her.  She thought that was honest and nice.  Then he starts telling her about their future together.  She's starting to think that that was too honest and too much.  Then he starts telling her that she's the one for him.  She's now terrified because he moved too fast and that's hitting on the Crazy Bell.

Here’s the best evidence that Cody is a Crazy.  He needs to date a woman who will be patient with him, who will know how to communicate with him that she’s interested but that he’s pushing too hard (and not hurt his inexperienced feelings).  The only type of person who can do that for him is a Voice of Reason.  Mich Money is not the Voice of Reason that Cody needs.  As a Fame Seeker, Mich Money knows that she’s safe for the next week and all she really cares about is staying on the show.

Take Me Down to the Crazydise City…

Where the men named Jesse are incredibly douchy.

Oh what a bad judge of character…

The new face of crazy

Christy, Jackie, and Lucy share one thing in common… they know that Jesse is bad news but believe his lies (as if they’re Guy Pearce's character in Memento).  How could they all be such bad judges of character?

Christy’s date with Jesse was SO PAINFUL.  She’s talking about how she’s dated douchebags who have cheated on her.  Christy recounts her experiences with the last guy she dated wherein she found another woman’s bra in his bed (or couch cushion).  Christy asks Jesse what he would have said, to which he replies, “I would say that it wasn’t mine.”  Christy’s response, “that’s what HE said!!” as if she never heard the adage, “it takes one to know one.”

Jesse then tells Christy that the next option is to say that it was a friend’s bra.  Christy’s response, “that’s what HE said!!” as if, once again, she never heard the adage, “it takes one to know one.”

Later, after Lucy arrives in all her exhibitionist nudity, asks Jesse Super Asshole* on a date, he says yes, and then Lucy and he make out, Christy confronts Super Asshole about his behavior.  Super Asshole actually said something to the effect of having said yes because he didn’t want Lucy to feel rejected and that he was doing it out of kindness and concern.  My thought was, “no way she buys THIS explanation.”  Lo and behold, it worked like a charm as she cooed about how thoughtful he was.  Shoot me in the face with a harpoon gun.

ALL the warning signs were there for Christy and she lacked the ability to heed them.

*As I wrote this section, I realized how much I disliked Super Asshole... to the extent that I didn't want to refer to him by name any more.  

I hope Super Asshole is the one who gets arrested

I read on another site about Bachelor in Paradise that Lucy allegedly gave Super Asshole the Hando Calrissian treatment and then told him to never speak of that.  I don’t know of such things.

What I do know is this, any guy who refers to a woman as “What’s Her Nuts” TWICE when there are only seven women’s names to choose from is a fairly abominable person.  Unfortunately, Christy has been sucked into his game.  I hope one of the new guys calls Jesse on his bullshit and then punches him in the nose.

You know why Super Asshole picked Christy over Lucy?  For three reasons: 1) Super Asshole is into blondes.  2) During the rose ceremony cocktail party, Lucy told him that he had “ensconced himself into a very precarious position.”  With that one sentence, Super Asshole knew that Lucy, while much more open sexually, was also much smarter and less inclined to take his bullshit.  Leading to 3) Christy was much more easily manipulated.

Oh and instead of saying that Super Asshole is a “player” can we just say that he objectifies women and uses them?   I think that’s more accurate.

Predictions Prior To The Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party:

Cody picks Mich Money

Graham picks AshLee

Marcus picks Lacy

Robert picks Sarah

Zack picks Jackie

Super Asshole picks Christy

Lucy goes home

Hey look at that, I was right!  Not that it was hard to predict.  The only real question was Lucy vs Christy.  I did not predict that Marcus would be A) the first to use the L word and B) the second to give a long rambling speech (Elise was the first).

Thoughts AFTER the Rose Ceremony:

Marcus, none of us care how much you think you’re in love with Lacy.  Can’t you tell that there’s something wrong when she wants you to say it, but she’s scared to say it back.  With how close you are, something’s not right and I think Lacy wants her screen time with a scandal.

Graham, stop it with the bow ties.  You're killing us!!

Robert and Sarah are super cute.  I liked their date and that they started talking about something other than how great they were together.  The preview for Episode 6 shows that there’s a guy showing up who Sarah likes.  I think this is just production nonsense.  She turns down the date and stays with Roberto.

Oh and by the way, isn’t it all WAY TOO COINCIDENTAL who is showing up?  It's like each person has been hand picked to shake things up somehow.

After week 1, we had intense couples with Elise and Dylan, AshLee and Graham, Lacy Robert and Marcus love triangle.  A day in, and Mich Money shows up for two reasons, she has a thing for Marquel (who hadn’t coupled up yet, but the BIP producers were worried about the only person of color not meeting someone and getting sent home right away).  Also, Mich Money has history with Graham, so she could potentially stir things up there.

In Episode 2, Chris and Zack show up.  Things were still a little “in the air” with some couples.  Zack was the hot one who could probably get any woman to say yes.  Chris just didn't give a fuck.  Plus, Marquel and Mich Money are in trouble as a couple.  Also Marquel’s buddy, Dylan, was just sent home.  At the end of the show, Clare and Zack are getting serious.  Robert is starting to have some interest in Mich Money and Sarah.

In Episode 3, Danielle (who had a thing for Marquel only) shows up.  Also Jackie (who has a thing for Zack) shows up and asks Marquel out.  There’s potential for Jackie to shake up the whole Clare/Zack thing and Marquel to stay on the show with Danielle.

In Episode 4, Cody, Jesse and Kalon show up to shake things up.  Kalon is hated by everyone and ignored.  Jesse jumps in on the Jackie thing.  Cody has a huge crush on Clare and tries to shake that up.

And in Episode 5, Christy and Lucy, two friends show up.  Christy has a thing for Zack and tries to shake that up.  Lucy likes to be naked and shakes things up in that way.

Now our next preview shows Sarah’s crush arriving.  I bet he asks her out.  I think she'll say no.

And because Lucy's run was too fast, here's a video she did about Juan Pablo last year...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YBGKYO6NqPc