Bachelorette Viewing Guide - Episode 6

More catching up!  Note that at the time of writing this, I only know the four guys who are going on hometown dates, but I haven't seen anything beyond that.

Highlights of Episode 6

• Wells goes on a one-on-one date, gets his first kiss with Jojo, but gets eliminated
• Non-descript group date walking around Argentina and then playing street soccer
• A Second Two-On-One Date with Chase and Derek, and Derek is sent home
• Manufactured drama when James bringing up a minor issue about Jordan to Jojo
• Rose ceremony drama where Jojo can't pick between the last two guys and they both stay another week.

Didn't this episode feel like it was just filling time before we got to the hometown dates?  And even then, doesn't this whole thing come down to Jordan and Luke?  I'm glad that Wells got his date and kiss with Jojo, but none of us thought that he had a realistic shot, right?  And on the two-on-one date with Chase and Derek, shouldn't she have just sent both of them home?

The Implosion Of James Taylor

James, sorry I used such an unflattering picture.  I'm only using it to illustrate the heading.

I would love to meet James T.  He seems like a real down-to-earth guy with a great head on his shoulders.  He comes across as fun, funny, genuine, and trusting.  Unfortunately, his insecurities about his body and attractiveness are exacerbated by the format of the show.  Unlike physical chemistry and hotness, fun and genuine are not qualities that shine through in a fifteen minute stretch during a cocktail party.  These are qualities that grow in a relationship over time.

James's insecurities are making it difficult for him just to be himself, although he's doing everything he should be doing - he's been open with Jojo about his insecurities, he has sought validation from her (and received it).

The biggest problem this week is that he brought a minor issue with Jordan to Jojo's attention.  Now, let's ignore for a moment that whenever a contestant spends his/her time with the lead to talk about another candidate, it tends to be a death knell for the one complaining (see exception: The Chad).  I would not be surprised if James received a little extra push from the producers and was being reminded that Jordan was the "front runner" and that someone needed to bring him down a peg.

Strategically, if you're going to go after someone, PARTICULARLY the front runner, you have to bring your A game and have a strong case/evidence against him.  Without that, the tactic will almost certainly backfire.  If the lead likes the person you're complaining about, the lead will almost always defend them or give them the benefit of the doubt... even if your complaints ring true.

A more flattering picture.

Jojo and Luke

I've been fighting against the Luke train the whole way through, but he has been growing on me.  I noticed in this episode that Jojo seeks out Luke.  And when they're alone, Jojo initiates a lot of the kissing.  It confirms to me that Jojo is totally into him and he might be the best fit for her.

However, I'm getting flashbacks to previous seasons of the Bachelor/the Bachelorette wherein the best overall match for the lead gets trumped by the contestant who is definitely more attractive but who is also missing some of the traits needed to make the relationship.  It's like the Josh/Nick situation on Andi's season - Nick was a MUCH better fit for Andi, but she chose the hotter guy despite his red flags.  For Chris's season, he picked Whitney over two women who I thought were better overall fits (Jade and Becca).  In Kaitlyn's season, she picked Shawn (and his intense jealousy) over Nick.  And most recently, Ben picked Lauren B over Jojo despite the fact that Jojo was the person Ben was able to open up to more and who understood him better than anyone else.

All I'm saying is that it's a trend.  And, without knowing who wins this thing, it looks to me that Jojo is going to pick Jordan over Luke and it'll feel like a big mistake.

Andi and Josh - more attraction

Andi and Nick - more connection

Four Things I Liked

1. Wells's one-on-one date felt like a good tryout for Bachelor in Paradise (note, I have no idea if he's actually on BIP).  And further, I think he's a great candidate for him to be the next Tanner (understated guy who does MUCH better in an environment where he doesn't have to be overly aggressive to get noticed).  

   

   Nice guys don't always finish last

2.  After my rant against two-on-one dates (two posts ago), I liked the concept behind the Derek/Chase two-on-one date.  Two guys who don't really like each other engaged in activity that makes sense given the situation - a two-on-one tango dance lesson.  Unfortunately, it was clear that the dancing did not go as planned because tango needs a strong a strong male lead and neither Chase nor Derek were strong male dance leads.  I think the film crew did like 10 takes of the same exact scene - at the beginning of the dancing, they were totally into it.  The last few images, both Chase and Derek had a look of "I will go home right now if they ask us to do another take."

   

   Can it get more staged?

3. After sending Wells home, Jojo went to the Fuerza Bruta show by herself (not counting the whole film crew).  The feminist in me loved it - of course a woman should be able to go to a performance without a date!  Why should Jojo only have fun on dates?
4. I loved James's statement in his private camera saying "I think I'm the best guy for her.  There are guys [here] who make more money, there are guys here who are better looking, there are guys who might be smarter, but I think I'm the best guy for her."  I LOVED IT.

Three Things I Didn't Like

1. Jojo's remaining men are really skewing in the meathead and emotionally unintelligent direction.  She just sent home Derek and Wells, leaving (in order of least meatheaded to most): James T, Luke, Robby, Jordan, Alex, Chase.  As an example, while preparing for their two-on-one date
2. The focus on Wells and Jojo not having kissed.  Whoever is picking some of these "themes" or "angles" for the show is forcing it.  I can see the conversation in production - "The Jojo and Wells date is too boring, we need an angle to make people interested!  I know, Wells hasn't kissed her yet."  Shoot me now.
3. The overly dramatic juxtaposition of Derek crying in the limo while Chase and Jojo dance to the singing of Evita.  It lasted about five minutes too long.  The only redeeming thing was knowing that Chase had NO IDEA what the song and/or significance was for hearing it in Argentina - you could see it in his eyes that there was no recognition whatsoever.

Wait, Derek might win the Tanner award and not Wells.

Bachelorette Viewing Guide - Episode 5

Once again, I'm catching up...

Highlights of Episode 5

• The guys celebrate The Chad being kicked off, only to have him show up again at the house
• Rose ceremony where James F (boxing dude) and Daniel (the annoying) got eliminated
• Jordan's one-on-one date yachting and swimming with seals
• The magazine non-issue
• The group date where they went sand boarding
• Robby's one-on-one date where they jumped off a cliff
• Rose ceremony where Evan, Grant, and Vinny go home

Three Things I Liked

I like all three of those things

1. Actually... I'll be honest, I really didn't like this episode much at all.  Looking back at the episode, there was very little, if anything, that I liked.  Instead of Three Things I Liked, I have...

Seven Things I Really Didn't Like

1. This episode was like the walking dead - it just felt like a formality to go from 13 to the four hometown dates.  In my notes, I wrote, "Vinny, James F, Daniel, Wells, Evan, Derek, and Alex could all go home this week.  Really it's between Luke, Jordan, and James."  Here's the thing, if it's down to thirteen guys and you haven't kissed the lead yet (or even come close), you're OUT, you just don't know it yet.  It makes episodes 5 and 6 boring.
2. Evan of all people made this comment talking about the ocean view from the hotel in Uruguay, "We've got a 360 degree view of the ocean."  EVAN, you're college educated - you aren't on an island if you're in Uruguay.
3. The whole introduction of the article in People Magazine was so contrived.  First, how could the contestants get their hands on a copy of the magazine?  We all know it was given by a producer.  Second, there was SO MUCH unnecessary drama around this.  Did we really need to listen to ALL the guys talk about this?
4. Even though Robby has done a good job of inserting himself into the conversation of who Jojo ends up with, Robby saying "I love you" on their first date?  That's freaking ridiculous.  Every year, the lead loses touch with "reality" to an extent, meaning that their experience is so vastly different from the contestants that they lose the ability to view the contestants objectively or empathetically.  This happened to Jojo with Robby - hearing I love you on a first date should be a red flag, but to her it didn't seem to raise a concern.
5. Jordan making out with Jojo during the group date on the other side of the wall from the rest of the guys was kind of a dick move.  It's the sort of thing that doesn't play well when everyone's watching the show.
6. The whole "Derek needs reaffirmation" narrative.  It just felt like the producers needed to add drama after The Chad was gone.
7. Alex becoming the new bully in The Chad's absence.  I guess we should have seen it coming, but at least The Chad was a good villain.  Alex is just annoying as the villain.  I think the difference is that Jojo actually seemed to be into Chad whereas I haven't ever believed that she was truly interested in Alex.  

They Are Called Red Flags For A Reason

Jojo was confronted with TWO major red flags and ignored both of them.  I spoke about the first one above when Robby professed his love for her during their first date.

The second red flag came when Jojo confronted Jordan about the cheating issue in his past.  It was pretty obvious how defensive Jordan got when the issue came up.  His body language became stand-offish and his tone became abrupt.  I think that Jordan has come up with "technicalities" for why what he did wasn't cheating.  He believes those technicalities and thus doesn't believe that he's lying.  But he doesn't want to be pressed on the issue either.  Of course, Jojo is totally into him (notice that she saved her best one-on-one outfit for her date with him?) so she was content to accept his explanation.  The look of happiness on his face had everything to do with him getting out of hot water and had nothing to do with his feelings for Jojo.

What To Do When A Woman Cries

During this episode, SOMEHOW the guys got their hands on In Touch magazine where one of Jojo's ex-boyfriends (also named Chad) wrote a whole piece about how she was still seeing him.  The guys on the show, who had all put their lives on hold for several months in exchange for fame and notoriety the chance to woo Jojo, definitely had a reason to be concerned.  The little gossip machine made this out to be a bigger deal than it was, but the guys should have had a few questions.

We learned from Jojo's private camera time that the ex-boyfriend was a guy who was pseudo-stalking her and that she had made the mistake of being thoughtful and sensitive with him while they broke up years before and he hadn't been able to let go.    Remember when she was on her hometown date with Ben and there were unexpected roses at her door?  Yeah, that was the ex-boyfriend sabotaging her relationship with another man.

Jojo decided to address the issue head-on with the guys.  However, while talking in the group, Jojo began to cry and never really went into any detail with the guys as to what happened.  The men immediately melted, telling her that it was okay and that they supported her even though they didn't know what they were supporting her on.

Evelyn's comment was that "whenever a woman sheds a tear, men believe them."  [Of course, that got me wondering about some of the apologies Evelyn has given me over the years... but I digress.]  Not one person pushed back on Jojo to get more details or to explore whether they had any reason to be concerned about the article.  No one reached out to see what support she might want.  It was like none of the guys knew how to approach the situation, but they all knew that to do it wrong would have had dire consequences.  I was disappointed that James T, Evan, and Wells all weren't able to shine in this moment.

But if you were one of the guys, how would you broach the subject in a respectful and empowering way?  It isn't easy because you would want to be empowering (after such a disempowering thing), but you also would want to get whatever information you needed.

I'm no expert, but I'd probably approach it like this... "Jojo, it's clear that whatever this guy said has hurt you and we want to be supportive of you.  I'd be lying if I said that I didn't have a few other questions I'd like to ask you, but I don't want to put you on the spot or have to address this on national television.  And I definitely don't want to give this guy the satisfaction of seeing you have to answer anything you don't want to.  How would you like us to ask you any questions about this?  And is there anything you need from us?"

Yeah... there's probably a reason why I'd never be considered for The Bachelorette.

Bachelorette Viewing Guide - Episode 4

Another catch-up post...

Shit.  A bunch of catch up posts.  To be honest, with the Black Lives Matter activity and the Republican/Democratic National Conventions, I felt like there was more important stuff going on.  But now I'm back to writing AND I have to get to Bachelor In Paradise!

I actually don't know how the season ends yet!!!  I'm working my way through it.  So consider this a trip down memory lane back when things were so much simpler...


Episode four had the following highlights:

• The pool party where there was all sorts of tension waiting for The Chad to explode, but he didn't.
• The one-on-one date with Luke
• The group date where they played football (we loved Wells and James T)
• The heavily anticipated two-on-one date with Alex and The Chad

Jojo and Luke

I'm using this picture because I couldn't get one of the puppy butts for Evelyn.

Jojo is totally into Luke and I'm not sure I understand why.  I'll admit that Luke has been growing on me tremendously... I loved his handling of The Chad when all the other guys were on the group date. I agree with Jojo that he has a relaxed confidence to him.  Nonetheless, I just don't see them as a great fit for her in the long run.  I think that Jojo feels a great deal of physical attraction to him and that she loves getting him to open up about himself, but I get the sense that their lifestyles are very different.

However, the most telling thing was when Jojo slipped during her toast to Luke while they say in the hot tub and said, "here's to the first of mmm... hopefully many more dates."

Farewell To The Chad

I was enthralled by The Chad's body language, word choice, vocal tone, and actions when Jojo confronted him about his threats to find Jordan after the show was over and beat his ass.  I think I expected him to deny it and wiggle his way out.  (I wonder how Jojo would have reacted if The Chad had responded with incredulity and flat denials.  Would she have given him the benefit of the doubt AGAIN?)

Instead, TC conveyed a sense of entitlement and that there was no problem with his threat to Jordan. For example, when Jojo divulged that Alex had told her about the threat on Jordan, TC's body language did not change one bit.  Instead, he put on a poker face and said, "oh did he?" - as a manipulative way to get Jojo to disclose even more information about what she had heard.  Most people, when faced with an accusation, would at least physically respond, moving backward as if distancing themselves from the bad thing being said about them.  He almost seemed proud of himself as if he was saying, "see, I'm acting like a man and you should respect me."

I imagine that a number of people found fault with Jojo not dismissing TC immediately after their conversation and that she was still trying to find an explanation for his actions (TC's mother having recently passed) other than the obvious - he's a manipulative guy with warning flags ALL around him.  But how would she possibly know how physically aggressive he was without seeing the footage?

Three things I liked

1) Derek's response to The Chad's confrontational behavior was terrific.  Derek was assertive and strong.  He didn't hide from The Chad, he didn't back down, but he held his ground despite The Chad's accusations.

2) I know two people who wear Red, White, and Blue socks on dates.  One of them is Captain America.  The other is Alex.

3) Like him or hate him, I really do like how Jordan leads almost all of his interactions with Jojo with questions about her.  He waits to allow her to talk about herself before talking about himself.

Three things I didn't like

1) I'm finding myself not entirely digging the 2-on-1 date thing as much any more.  It's too much of an easy out for the lead to get rid of the villain and it has become almost too predictable.  If I were to rank the 2-on-1 dates from least interesting to most interesting, it would be:

• JJ vs Joe on Kaitlyn's season - I completely forgot this date even happened.  BO-RING.
• The Chad vs Alex this season - the table was already set for Jojo to send The Chad home directly, why give her the easy way out and do it on a 2-on-1?  I would have much preferred her to send The Chad home after one of his outbursts or just not to get a rose at a rose ceremony.
• Olivia vs the twin (Emily) on Ben's season - Olivia was so devastated and so blind-sided that it made for good tv.  Though I must admit that I really loved Olivia's confidence and intelligence and I was sad for her when she got eliminated.
• Kelsey and Ashley I on Chris's season - the first 2-on-1 date is still the gold standard.  When Chris had his one-on-one time with Ashley, she divulged to him everything that the women in the group hated about Kelsey.  Chris ended up eliminating BOTH of them but not until after we got to see Kelsey stare down Ashley I and deliver her "I know what you did" speech.  Oh, so so so so so SO good.

Can you feel the hate?

Maybe it's because this 2-on-1 date didn't leave one (or both) contestants way out in the middle of nowhere.

Bye bye Olivia!

2) Each time that The Chad says, "you back me into a corner, what else can I do?"  It's just so juvenile and repetitive.  I did love that Jojo's response was "you can sit down and have a conversation."  Of course, that presupposes that he knows how to communicate with real people.  I know people were sad to see The Chad and all of his drama leave, but I thought it got in the way of seeing the others more fully.

3) Luke's hair.  It reminds me too much of Joe from Kaitlyn's season.

Bachelorette Viewing Guide - Episode 3

Sorry for the delay in posting - a two-week family vacation has me running behind on both my viewing and blogging about The Bachelorette, but I'm doing my best to get caught up.

Episodes 3 and 4 of The Bachelorette were back-to-back a few week ago on Monday and Tuesday, mostly centered around The Chad.  Please note that I wrote the majority of this post before watching Episode 4 (where we had the 2-on-1 date).

There are so many obvious things to write about from this episode... mostly having to do with The Chad.  I'm going to do my best to avoid dedicating this whole post to him.

Since we're a few weeks removed from the episode, this is the episode with the one-on-on date with Chase doing "yoga", the group date with the Sex Talks, and then the one-on with James T where they went swing dancing.

The Date With James T

Evelyn and I LOVE James.  Jojo summed it up best by calling him an old soul.  His passion for life, his spirit, and his energy are fantastic.  He's the only guy who could bring ALL the guys in the house together and get them to sing.  Even Max and Marcellus from ESPN talked about how engaging and fun he is.

But here's the problem - guys like James rarely are the sexy ones or the ones where physical chemistry is the focus.  I think that part of it is that guys like James are about more than physical chemistry - it's emotional chemistry, it's communication, it's passion for life.  You can hear Jojo talk about how perfect James is - his passion, his personality, the way she feels comfortable around him, the way he makes her feel special - but then she turns around and worries that they can't get out of the Friend Zone (a term I hate with a passion).

I understand that physical chemistry is very important to a relationship and you can't force something that isn't there.  But a relationship needs to be based on much more than physical chemistry.

Responses To A Bully

Is there any questioning that The Chad is a bully?  The Chad has really focused his anger on the weakest guy in the house - Evan.  Notice that The Chad doesn't interrupt any of the front runners - Jordan, James T, Luke.  But he is disrespectful to all the weaker ones.

As Evelyn said, Evan looks like he should have been the lead singer of an 80s band

I am finding it fascinating to watch how the different guys in the house react to The Chad menace.  So far, I've been able to categorize the response into six types (and please note that I'm not condemning anyone - I don't know how I would have responded to being bullied on national tv):

1) Fight Fire With Fire (not backing down physically) - Alex
2) Find The Bully's Weakness (in The Chad's case, it's talking) - Evan, Jordan, Luke
3) Ignore it (or create distance) and hope it resolves itself - James F, Wells, Christian, Nick, Derek
4) De-escalate the situation through peace-keeping - Vinny, Daniel
5) Observe and defend the weaker ones when necessary - Grant
6) Trying to explain things to him - Robby, James T

I found it interesting watching all the different micro-behaviors.  In the first group discussion when the group date card comes and all the guys are trying to explain to The Chad why he's such an asshole (for not wanting to go on a group date with 12 other guys), everyone is kind of waiting for someone else to make the first move against Chad.  Jordan, Evan, and Alex all directly confront The Chad.  But some of the other guys make brief comments as if to test the water and get a sense of who in the group, if anyone, will stand up behind them.

At one point, Grant said "This is crazy" in response to Chad behavior, as if gauging whether someone else would say "yeah, it is crazy".  I felt that if someone had responded, it would have emboldened Grant to say more.  As it was, he was able to safely make the comment and then retreat without drawing Chad's direct ire.  It's an effective tool when you don't want to put yourself too far out there, you say something to test how much influence you're going to have on the group.

Four Things I Liked

1) Who didn't like Daniel's intervention with The Chad wherein Daniel likened The Chad to Hitler and Trump, and then told him to tone it down to a Mussolini or a Bush level.  Somewhere, Idi Amin and Stalin are furious.  (Did you notice that The Chad was eating a RAW YAM during the interaction?)

2) Chris Harrison's interactions with Evan and then The Chad at the end of the show.  I thought Chris was FANTASTIC - he didn't let on what he knew or what he didn't know, but instead got them both to speak in their own words what their experiences had been.  He was effective at drawing them out.  He could have easily said, "Chad, we watched the footage from two nights ago and Evan didn't push you" (notice that the security guards were already put in place before the conversation happened) but instead encouraged the two of them to work out their problems.  Chris was clear to Chad what the boundaries were (no violence) and his expectations.

3) James fucking Taylor!  The way he described the difficulty he had to overcome to build a strong self-image resonated SO MUCH with me and, I imagine, to many people watching the show.  In essence, James talked about how kids made fun of the way he looked growing up and that he lost confidence in his own self-image and that he needed to build himself up by focusing on his positive qualities other than his appearance.

4) Jojo was great in this episode.  I liked Jojo's sex-positive comments, affirming that sex is important in a relationship.  Jojo's reaction to Chad trying to kiss her on stage in front of everyone was fantastic - rejecting his advance.  But mostly, I loved how Jojo called out The Chad's behavior during the cocktail party portion of the group date.  She was direct and confident with him, she named his behavior and told him to stop.  It was a perfect reaction.

Three Things I Didn't Like

1) Jojo keeps using the grammatically incorrect, "him and I".  It's so minor, I know I should just let it go, but it's killing me.  It's either "he and I" when the subject of the sentence or "him and me" when the object in the sentence.

2) I loved that Evan embraced the whole "see something, say something" philosophy, but I wanted him to be much more assertive in how he stood up to Chad, how he spoke to Jojo, and how he spoke to Chris.

3) The "Yoga" date... THAT WAS NOT YOGA!!  Maybe this was some strange vocal yoga class, but yoga does NOT entail screaming, shaking the arms, legs, faces, and tongues.  There is no "Screamgasm" in yoga.  Calling that yoga would be like if someone gave you a bagel with cream cheese, a little rice, and smoked salmon, then doused it in soy sauce and wasabi, gave you chopsticks and called it sushi.  There are so many misperceptions of yoga out there (people who think it's anti-Christian, it's about sex, whatever) that this portrayal just further made yoga seem like a fringe thing.  This yoga date disappointed me very much.

More On Controlling and Manipulative Behavior

The Chad exhibited a bunch more of his controlling behaviors: not letting Jojo have time with the other guys, trying to kiss Jojo in front of the whole audience at the group date, when Jojo asked for space from Chad to talk to Nick, Chad walked a short distance away and made a bunch of noise.

I found this interaction between The Chad and Jojo to be fascinating:

TC: "Are you like super confused about me?"
Jojo: "I'm more confused about you than I think..."
TC: "like anyone you've ever met or something?"

The Chad said this as if he's heard it before from other love interests and he wore it almost as a badge of honor.  Jojo followed this up with:  "I see so many different sides of you.  I have the side of you I see with the guys.  But then sometimes when you're with me, I see a very soft side of you - very sweet and sensitive."

In a controlling or abusive relationship, the confusion and the different behaviors Jojo is describing serve to keep the focus of the relationship on the man and disempowers the woman.  It's a tool (often subconscious) that overinflates the man's sense of importance - he wants her to focus on him and not spend time thinking about her own needs.

That said, I am worried that The Chad will retaliate against Jojo for giving the group date rose to Evan.

Bachelorette Season 12 Episode 2 Review: Was It The Chad?

(Quick disclaimer - while there are spoilers from Episode 2 below, please note that I do not read, seek out, or otherwise review anything that discusses spoilers for the season.  Any predictions below are based solely on what has been aired on tv, but it does include the teaser trailers produced by the show.)

Someone asked me if my blog posts this season would be on the funny/humorous side or if I was going to be more serious in my posts.  It is my intention to keep things light and funny, while still remaining insightful about the differences between men and women.  That said, I think that this week has more on the serious side than it did on the humorous side.

The Chad

I have a sneaking suspicion (yes, tongue-in-cheek) that we're going to see much more of Chad's bullying and aggressive behavior in the next two episodes.  Whenever you start getting sick of seeing Chad in everything, remember that the last famous Chad in pop culture was this character.

Several thoughts:

• The producers have done plenty to imply that Chad is (or recently was) on steroids.  In this episode, the producers provided us with images of Chad doing pull-ups with his suitcase attached to a weight belt, the vast amount of protein powder in Chad's stuff, his aggressive behavior, and his constant eating.  During the episode, I did a quick search on eating and steroids and found a bunch of hits where people speak anecdotally about being so damn hungry when taking steroids.
• We've been getting hit over the head with Chad's villainy.  I get it that, in the words of Clint and JJ, "Villains gotta vill," but we are getting inundated with it.  Chad provided commentary on EACH of the people to get a rose and why they suck.  We're clearly setting up unnecessary drama for the Men Tell All episode.
• Speaking of VGV, note the Rule of Two from Star Wars (always two there are; no more no less.  A master and an apprentice).  Last Bachelorette had JJ (master) and Clint (apprentice).  This season has Chad (master) and Daniel.  BTW, way to go Daniel - you were the first in the pool, the sloppy drunk, AND the villain's apprentice.  Consider this his tryout for Bachelor in Paradise.
• In a telling exchange, Daniel and Chad bemoaned the presence of so many nice guys in the mansion, leading to this gem of a quote from Chad: "I always tell women to stay away from the nice guys."  (Why, because nice guys are always calling you on your bullshit?)
• On the group date at ESPN, Chad had a hard time getting into the light-heartedness of the activities.  When everyone had to "propose" to Jojo, all the guys did a playful take on it and professed their undying love in the spirit of the date.  Except for Chad who simply says, "will you marry me?"  Chad doesn't seem to understand that being able to be relax, have fun, and play along with an activity is crucial in a relationship.  
• A lot was made of Chad's use of the word "naggy" (after Chad's simplistic "proposal" he defended himself and said that Jojo was starting to sound a little naggy).  I re-watched it a few times and it really sounded like he was trying to say it tongue-in-cheek.  It was still a tone-deaf comment, but I didn't find it nearly as offensive as most of Chad's other behavior.
• Chad's logic is dizzying.  He criticizes the other guys openly about the fact that they don't know Jojo at all.  According to his logic, she is the prettiest girl they've ever met (Chad excluded) and they're completely smitten without any true feelings - they're either lying about their feelings or they are imagining things (man, what a buzz kill).  Then Chad turns around and intimates in his private interview camera that no one has the connection he has with Jojo.  What exactly is this dazzling connection based on?  The same few minutes of time with her one-on-one during the cocktail parties that everyone has had?  Who is the delusional one here?
• The truth is that Chad knows nothing about Jojo as an individual and what she wants in a relationship.  In his private camera time, Chad keeps stating that he knows what Jojo wants (a real man like Chad).  Note that in two episodes, we have yet to see Chad ask her a question about herself or about what she wants.  Which leads me to....

Controlling and Manipulative Behavior

I was struck by Jojo's comments that she finds Chad to be mysterious and that she can't figure him out.  Immediately, I thought back to a book I read several years ago called Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft - a book that explains and addresses controlling, manipulative, and abusive behavior by men toward women.  Now I realize that all I've seen in Chad's behavior is the 20-30 minutes that we've been shown by the producers of The Bachelorette.  Note that I'm not saying that Chad is a controlling or abusive man, but some of the behaviors I've seen from him are ones that I'd want to keep an eye on if he were dating a friend of mine.

One of the central principles of the book is that a controlling/abusive man has an inflated sense of his own importance in a relationship.  Lundy Bancroft uses a very simple image in the book to illustrate this - imagine three circles representing the man, the woman, and the children.  In healthier relationships, those three circles would be roughly the same size (in terms of importance).  From the perspective of a controlling/abusive man, the "Man" circle is far bigger than the other two.  (Note also that I am WAY oversimplifying this part of the book.)

Men like this use controlling and abusive behaviors to keep their partners off-balance, to keep them guessing, but mostly to keep the focus and attention on himself.

I noted several controlling behaviors by Chad beyond his keeping his conversations with Jojo focused on himself.  Before the cocktail party, he waited out front for Jojo to show up - this was his way of controlling the fact that he would be the first one she saw AND that she would enter the cocktail party on HIS terms, not hers.  And yes, it was equally a dick move to stick it to the other guys.  During the cocktail party, he interrupted two different guys to spend more time with her.  The second time was with Evan.  Jojo pushed back a little and said that she was just finishing up her conversation.  Chad simply waited FIVE STEPS AWAY from them, definitely within earshot, altering the course of the private conversation.

First One-on-One Date!

We know where that is!

The first one-on-one date of the season was with Derek, the 29 year-old commercial banker from a small town in Indiana.  The date itself was cute - a pseudo-choose-your-own-adventure affair wherein Derek and Jojo got to pick the course of their date.  Sea or sky, north or south, etc. brought them to San Francisco and we learned that neither of them had ever been.  They chose the Golden Gate Bridge experience and somehow lucked out to not have a crazy day of wind or fog.

Unfortunately for Derek, the recipient of the first one-on-one date doesn't seem to do well... if they're a guy.  The last two guys to get the first one-on-one date were Clint (eliminated because Kaitlyn felt like he was starting to get too smug) and Eric (who left because he and Andi had a bit of a fight when he accused her of being fake).  The women who get the first one-on-one date tend to do better (Caila came in third place last season, Megan quit six weeks into Chris's season, and Clare came in second on Juan Pablo's season (though some would say that she won because she spun that into TWO Bachelor in Paradise appearances AND she avoided being in a relationship with Juan Pablo).

I think that some of this has to do with social norms for men and women.  Guys are expected to take the lead in dating - at least in the early stages.  I could see it being difficult on the first or second guy to go on a group date to NOT be able to take the lead and that it would be difficult for the guy to know how to act in this environment.  This isn't to say that women know how to act in an environment like The Bachelor, but I think there is more familiarity with waiting to for the guy to ask her out on a second date.

In Derek's case, I'm concerned that the length of time between first and second dates will be so long that he will start to question their connection and that they won't be able to maintain the chemistry when he sees her go on date after date with other guys, which is too bad, because he comes across as a quality guy with emotional intelligence.  We learned that Derek had his heart broken years ago when his serious girlfriend was involved with another guy and he has had a hard time trusting another person.  To me, this spells doom for him and Jojo - I can already hear the conversation where Jojo tells Derek that he needs to trust her and not close up and Derek just can't do it.

My guess is that Derek is going to find love on Bachelor in Paradise and that that format will be MUCH more conducive to what he needs from a relationship.


Stay tuned for the next blog post where we discuss "How Bachelor Contestants React To A Bully".

The Bachelorette - Season 12 Episode 1 Review

I've been meaning to get back to my Bachelor/Bachelorette/Bachelor In Paradise blog for a while now.  But I'm back for real now.

The first episode of the Bachelor/Bachelorette season is probably my favorite every season.  There are so many things to look for - the entrance of each contestant, the initial encounter with the Bachelor/ette, the initial encounters with the other contestants, the person who drinks too much the first night, the predictions of who will be in the last four.

But let's get you started with the basics... the bachelorette this season is Jojo Fletcher, a 25 year-old real estate developer from Dallas.

Jojo Fletcher - The Bachelorette

Jojo was the runner-up in the last season of The Bachelor (where Ben Higgins was the Bachelor). Probably my favorite moment of last season was Jojo's reaction to Ben telling her that he loved her.  She was so visibly shocked and overjoyed and validated all at the same time.  It actually brings tears to my eyes to re-watch it (starting at 3:00).

Jojo kind of snuck up on me last season - of all the contestants, she came across to me as the most down-to-earth and was able to simultaneously be part of the show and also to take a step back and recognize the artificiality of it.  She became Ben's confidant who he trusted unconditionally.  For those of you who watched last season, you may have noticed that when Ben told two women that he loved them, Ben "confessed" this fact to Jojo, but not to the eventual winner until after she accepted his proposal.  To me, that, coupled with the fact that Jojo never became territorial with any of the other women, speaks volumes of her ability to listen and make others feel safe and not judged.  Evelyn (my wife) and I were thrilled to hear that she was the Bachelorette this season.

One interesting side note is that in the last season we got a glimpse into Jojo's family - three brothers, a patriarchal father, and a mother who, while sweet, seemed to be overpowered by the men in the family.  It definitely appeared that the dynamic in the family was one of more traditional gender roles and that everyone deferred to the father in the family.  This could play out in a number of ways (or not even at all), but it appears that Jojo will gravitate toward stronger masculinity (confidence, assertiveness) and not seek to draw out men who are more reserved.  It is also possible that Jojo will give more latitude to guys who are more domineering... though on the other hand, given her family experience, she may be able to recognize that behavior and nip it in the bud.

In the season preview, we were given glimpses into Chad's aggressive behavior in future episodes and we hear Jojo say that she has a tendency to be attracted to bad guys.  This got me thinking about the adage that many of us have heard, "nice guys finish last" or the corollary to that: "why do women prefer guys who treat them bad?"

But from her (or any woman's) perspective, how do you discern the difference between confidence and over-aggressiveness?  Both have a quality of assertiveness - to be acting as opposed to reacting; to be direct; and to be certain about what is desired, rather than being wishy-washy.  The differences between unhealthy aggression and true confidence are subtle and become much more apparent with context (which is completely absent on the first night of The Bachelorette).

Jordan

Chad

I re-watched the interactions Jojo had with Jordan and with Chad.  The main thing that jumped out to me was that Jordan started the interaction by asking Jojo to talk about herself.  He said, "tell me about you" and gave her a chance to talk first.  On the other hand, Chad started just talking about himself and that prompted her to ask questions about him.  Later on, Chad began telling Jojo how he saw her and complimenting her on his perception of her confidence.  The confident man is able to share the stage and is genuinely interested in what the woman has to say.  He recognizes her intelligence and respects her opinion.  The aggressive man dominates the conversation.  He may ask the woman questions, but then uses her words as platform for him to talk more and show how much more he knows than she does.  (Obviously, that's an over-simplification, but it will have to do for now.)

Jojo found Chad to be mysterious, vulnerable, and rugged while finding Jordan to be confident and sexy.  She seemed to enjoy drawing Chad out and being the one to unwrap his "vulnerabilities".  Note that she seemed much less interested in the guys who came out and shared their vulnerability too early (all the guys who were telling her how nervous they were).

After the interaction between Jojo and Chad, we were given the opportunity to see Chad's reaction on his private camera time where he says, "I'm confident that if I wanted her, she would be mine" and then talking shit about Ben being too soft, supple, and sensitive.  If we didn't have that added context, would we be thinking that Chad was an aggressive asshole?  Seeing how Jojo wasn't privy to Chad's comments, how could she possibly see the warning signs we all saw?  Well, there was this first interaction they had - no normal guy leads with the awkward two hand thing that Chad did:

I wanted to make this a gif, but I'm not technologically "gif"ted enough to make it happen.  Trust me when I say that it was a weird, two-hand grab of Jojo's hands.  Not a hug, not a kiss, a two hand grab.

It will be interesting to see how Jojo's relationship with Chad develops over time.  And yes, I will keep talking about it while he's on the show.


A few other points before I put this online (in time for tonight's showing):

• If your first interaction involves push-ups, you are trying too hard, Alex.

• In talking about Alex, if you're going to be the guy who takes away the Bachelorette first, rehearse what you're going to say.  He could have been a bit more self-deprecating or at least self-aware in what he said and should have opted for something like, "Hey guys, someone needs to be the one to do this and I'm going to be that guy.  Jojo, can I steal you away first?  Guys, feel free to say whatever you want in your private camera time."
• Jordan's line when the guy dressed like Santa came in.  "I'm glad somebody did it... I'm glad it wasn't me."
• When Jonathan walked in with a kilt, not-yet-drunk Daniel said that "I wouldn't take off my shirt the first night and say, look at my body."  Then he proceeded to have ten drinks and doing just that.
• Speaking of Daniel, someone needs to tell him that he has CREEPY eye contact.  He looks like a stalker.  I'm guessing that he'll have an early exit on Bachelor In Paradise this summer.
• I think that older contestants tend to do better on the show than the young ones.  The maturity comes through.  The guys in their 30s are: James (the boxing club owner), Daniel (the drunk), Nick (Santa), Evan (the ED specialist), Wells (the radio DJ), and Luke (the Texan veteran/farmer).  Aside from Daniel, I thought they all did well on the first night.  Nick is my dark horse favorite - I was impressed that he stayed in costume all night.
• Despite the fact that Jordan's brother is Aaron Rodgers, he hasn't name-dropped to Jojo yet (at least not on screen).  I'm wondering when that moment will happen.
• All the puns were KILLING me (Jojo, I mustache you a question, but I'll shave it for later?!?)
• Not enough Chris Harrison in this episode.
• Did you notice that when Chad accepted his rose, he said "I do" to Jojo?
• I liked Evan UNTIL he said "God bless America" upon seeing Jojo for the first time.  And then he said it again later in the episode.  
• How the heck do people get that drunk on the first night without the bartenders being encouraged to help the guys over-indulge?  I thought that bartenders weren't allowed to serve alcohol to people who were visibly drunk.

My current guesses for the four who will make it to the hometown dates:

1) Jordan.  He was the first out of the limo.  He is confident, he is good looking, and he seems emotionally intelligent.  I like his comments into the private camera - funny but not putting anyone down.

Christian

2) Christian.  At 26, he's a bit on the young side, but he seemed to have incredible confidence and maturity.  He may be too driven for Jojo, but we found his personal story about being bi-racial and not having contact with his white family due to racism to be quite compelling.

St Nick (not to be confused with SF's own Nick S) 

3) Nick.  He's 33 and he was Santa the whole night which takes some confidence to stay that way for a 8-10 hours party.  I'm reading his bio and he's an accomplished rugby playing electrical engineer.  I also loved that he gave out presents to the guys.  We saw nothing of who he is yet, but I've got a suspicion that there's a lot more to him than we've seen.

Luke

Wells and All 4 One

4) Luke or Wells.  (I know this is cheating)  They're both 31.  Wells is a radio DJ who seems down-to-earth.  I wasn't totally sold on Wells bringing All 4 One with him, but it seemed like Jojo (and even the guys) respected it.  Luke is a farmer who is also a veteran.  Jojo seemed to like both a lot, but I'm not sold on either of them.

Millions March in San Francisco - December 13, 2014 at 2pm at the Ferry Building

This Saturday, December 13, there will be marches nationwide against the recent killings of Michael Brown and Eric Garner by police and the subsequent grand jury investigations that led to no charges being filed against the police.  

I will be participating in the Millions March in San Francisco - it starts at 2pm at the Ferry Building and I invite you to join me.  We will be marching to City Hall.  The organizers of this march have stressed that it is a peaceful action and that they have planned it to be family friendly.  They also ask participants to wear black.

My thoughts on this issue and the events leading to this march are complicated and I feel that so much of the discourse surrounding these deaths is polarizing. 

• It doesn’t feel safe to say that I believe that race played a critical role in these incidents because those words get misconstrued to mean that I think all cops are racist.
• It doesn’t feel safe to say that I believe that cops are not adequately trained to deal with racially charged situations because those words get misconstrued to mean that I think all cops are racist.
• It doesn’t feel safe to say that I believe that the vast majority of police officers go into law enforcement for the right reasons and that they deal with so many difficult and crappy situations.  Those words get misconstrued to mean that I find no fault with the police.
• It doesn’t feel safe to say that I believe that police officers put themselves in harm’s way almost every day because anyone can be a threat and anyone can be armed.  Those words get misconstrued to mean that I find no fault with the police.

I’ve tried hard to use generalized language like “more often” or “more likely”.  I use that language because these are not either/or situations.  There is significant gray area.  I am sure that many of you could provide individual stories or personal experiences that will contradict the generalizations that I’m making below and that my comments are not meant to invalidate the personal experiences you have had.  

I will be marching on Saturday because I believe that black people are treated differently by police officers than white people. 

I will be marching on Saturday because a significant part of our community feels marginalized and unheard.  Yes, I believe that all lives matter, but right now, I think that we need to reaffirm that black lives matter.

I will be marching on Saturday because I sincerely believe that if I behaved the way that Eric Garner did before he got choked to death, I would still be alive and breathing today.  I may not have even been arrested.  I believe that the law is applied differently to different people.

I will be marching on Saturday because I feel that police officers do not get adequate training on working with different racial populations.  More importantly, I don't believe that police officers get enough training in identifying and challenging their own stereotypes of others.  And because of that, white police are more likely to view a black man as a threat.

I will be marching on Saturday because there have been too many times when an unarmed black man or boy was shot and killed and was denied their right to due process. 

I will be marching on Saturday because the grand jury investigations have revealed procedures and legalities that truly scare me.  It’s not just that there have been no ramifications for the police officers involved.  It’s that a cop is authorized to use deadly force when pursuing a person suspected of committing a felony.  It’s that police officers sometimes use intimidation and aggression to bring control to a situation, but if and when that strategy backfires and serves to escalate the situation, police are authorized to use deadly force when they “fear for their lives.”  These procedures and legalities have to change.

I will be marching on Saturday because I'm fed up with the aspect of police culture that has them blindly stand up for each other and at times refuse to cooperate fully when investigating possible wrongful death cases.  We expect people to face the consequences of their actions.  Resisting arrest is a crime.  Withholding information from an investigation is a crime.  The same holds true for police officers.  If they are being investigated for a possible crime, their fellow officers need to uphold the values of law and order.  If a fellow officer has acted improperly, they need to face the consequences of their actions. 

I will be marching on Saturday because even though Michael Brown and Eric Garner had allegedly committed crimes that led to their interactions with the police and ultimately their demise, they are still afforded the right to due process.  The punishment for selling cigarettes illegally is not death.  The punishment for shoplifting is not death.  The punishment for fleeing a crime scene is not death.  The punishment for assaulting a police officer is NOT death.

And finally, I will be marching on Saturday because I want my voice to be heard.  I want the country to know that I disapprove of these killings, the police procedures that make these killings legal, and the lack of training that makes them probable.  I want the people of color in my community to know that I am in solidarity with them and that my actions match my words.

I hope that you will consider joining me this Saturday.