Bachelor In Paradise Episode 3 Viewing Guide – All About Marquel (Mostly)

I know there was a 2-day marathon of Bachelor In Paradise that happened earlier this week.  Just know that I haven’t watched any of it yet – it’s sitting in my DVR waiting for me tonight!  So in an effort to stay relevant… actually I’ll just stop there.  You know how sometimes people say, “the moment I start taking X seriously, please shoot me in the face.”  Well, that was my moment.  Nothing about this show is relevant, though it is still entertaining…

That is, Bachelor in Paradise is entertaining except for Episode 3 where we were shown that NOTHING is going on right now in Paradise:

• Chris hurt his knee while WALKING
• Marquel went on two dates (and that created artificial drama despite the fact that they’re on a show where people GO ON DATES)
• Marcus and Lacy are still together (doing such crazy things as the Dirty Dancing lift in the pool next to the ocean)
• Clare and Zack are still together
• AshLee is still crazy and is dreaming of babies with Graham
• Chris and Elise had crazy sex that Elise kept promising through the phrase “you will be blessed”
• Couples went on all sorts of dates… all in Campeche (a word that is apparently unpronounceable)

Spanish Butchery

We were treated to THREE different pronunciations of Campeche.  First was Elise who called it Cam-pe-shay.  Second was Jackie who correctly pronounced it Cam-Pe-cheh.  Last was AshLee who called it Com-Pah-Chee.  Thanks for showing us how Americans travel. 

In episode 1, they had everyone do a “Hola Mexico” cheer.  If you told me that they had to do a voiceover of that line because someone couldn’t properly pronounce Meh-Hee-Co, I would not be surprised.

Marquel Is a Man After All

And by that, my friends, I don’t mean this in a macho, chest-thumping way or that Marquel finally got his first kiss.  I mean that Marquel made the same bad decision that many guys make…

At some point in almost every man’s/boy’s life, they are fortunate enough to be interested in two different women (or men) simultaneously.  And, as luck would have it, both women (or men), have some level of reciprocal interest.  How does the man/boy make his decision?  You all know the answer – 9 times out of 10, he picks the one who is less attainable and is actually less interested in him.  And then what happens?  She either rebuffs him or she plays along for a little while in the hope that something better comes along.  Meanwhile, the correct pick ALL ALONG was the one who was more interested in him to begin with.

Friends, we have learned that it is far more important to be loved for who we are.  And no matter WHO it is, trying to convince someone to love you is never worth the effort.

Enter Marquel…

Right after the rose ceremony, Danielle (from Juan Pablo’s season) arrived and asked Marquel out on a date.  (We’ll get to Mich Money’s ridiculousness in a moment).  Marquel said yes.  On said date, Danielle confessed to having a crush on Marquel from the previous season, but managed to convey this crush without A) sounding crazy, B) creeping Marquel out, and C) looking anything but super sweet (I LOVED how she would light up in her private camera time when talking about Marquel).

Immediately upon their return from date land, Jackie (who was from some other season I didn’t watch) arrives and asks Marquel on a date.  To which he says yes.  Marquel, who is enjoying being the object of three women’s affections, kind of lets it all get to his head.  During the date with Jackie, he breaks his “no kissing on the first date” rule and turns it into more of a guideline.  They kiss.  He’s happy.  He gives his rose to Jackie and not Danielle and not Mich Money.

All’s well that ends well.  Right?

In the private camera, we learn that Jackie was more interested in Zack than Marquel, but Marquel seemed like the only single one, so she asked him on the date.  We also know that Zack was interested in Jackie, so maybe trouble is afoot soon.

Marquel, like most guys, picked the unattainable woman who has some interest and sent home the woman who was actually really into him.  It’s far better to be with someone who IS interested in you than to be with someone who is more of a “reach”.  (If you need more evidence, let me remind you of Juan Pablo and Sharleen and Juan Pablo and Andi.  In both cases, these women were Juan Pablo’s top choices and neither of them really were sold on him.)

Nonetheless, Danielle got sent home, TOTALLY unfairly in my opinion.  She seemed very much like a voice of reason, but there’s not enough room for more voices of reason right now.  And, quite frankly, I really don’t see what is so attractive about Jackie. 

Seriously, you pick Danielle every time, right?

Jackie... I just don't see it.

Michelle Money Packs Her Fame Seeking Bags and Books A Trip To Crazytown

My impression of Mich Money has steadily declined as the season progresses.  I started off liking her, but I’ve found that she just says one of the main catch phrases of The Bachelor Franchise.

“What am I going to do?” 

After the rose ceremony, Marquel gets asked on a date by Danielle.  Mich Money starts freaking out and says “What am I going to do?”  Holy shit, you’re in a beautiful area ON A REALITY TV SHOW and “your” man gets asked out on a date.  What you’re going to do is wait for him to get back and then show your interest in him so that he doesn’t go pick someone else.  What you aren’t going to do is get in a fight with him while he isn’t even there and then swear him off while he’s gone for 10 hours.

But here’s why I don’t think Mich Money is crazy yet… she likes having drama happen to her BECAUSE she likes being on screen.  More Drama = More Camera Time. 

Mich Money also does a thing I DESPISE.  Several times she gives a disingenuous recommendation to someone else.  When Danielle arrives, she doesn’t know who to pick for her date and doesn’t want to step on anyone’s toes.  Mich Money tells Danielle to pick any guy because they’re all great.  After Danielle picks Marquel, Mich Money gets all upset.

Several more times, Mich Money does the same thing – tells someone to do what they want and then gets offended when they take her at face value.

YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG!!!

Marcus and Lacy got some obligatory camera time this week.  They’re all googoo over each other.  There’s no compelling tv to watch with it.  It turns out that guys who are crazy and women who are crazy are COMPLETELY different beasts.  Crazy/Obsessive guys cool off while they have the girl unless she flirts with other guys.  Otherwise, they’re quiet and fine.  Crazy/Obsessive women stay crazy throughout and have more problems.  They are fun to watch and are always out.

Unfortunately, it does not appear that Lacy is savvy enough to recognize that she’s on BIP with 3-4 seasoned veterans of reality tv.  She needs to emulate them if she wants more screen time.

Dirty Dancing Lift...     Nailed It

Sarah and Robert, but Mostly Sarah

It is no secret that Sarah is my favorite on the show.  She strikes me as the ultimate voice of reason, she is a great listener for all the crazies, she doesn’t seem to seek too much attention, and after this episode, she shows genuine vulnerability.

After Marquel left with Danielle on their date, Mich Money saw the writing on the wall and tried to figure out how to stay on the show.  She targeted the only real remaining possibility – Robert.  Now Sarah and Robert have been working on their relationship and letting it progress naturally.  The cameras make it look like Sarah is doing the chasing and that Robert isn’t as interested, but if you notice, almost every time there’s a group shot or Robert goes to sit down somewhere, Sarah and Robert are next to each other.

So much so that the only way for Mich Money to get some alone time with Robert was to launch a scheme with Clare through which they would surprise Zack and Robert with a double date one night.  The drama that ensues was VERY interesting to me.

1. Mich Money “feels bad” and tells Sarah that this is going to happen, so as not to step too hard on her toes.  I honestly think that this was done somewhat out of respect because Mich Money NEVER shies away from drama if she can help it and a fight between her and Sarah would have provided plenty of drama.
2. Sarah confronts Robert about the date and Robert plays dumb BECAUSE HE HAD NO IDEA ABOUT IT.  Sarah thinks he’s lying because Mich Money told her about the date.  But Robert hadn’t been told yet.  Why didn’t Mich Money invite Robert on the date right away?  Either because he was spending too much time with Sarah or because she wasn’t sure how it would all play out.
3. When the four of them go on the double date, Sarah shows her vulnerability and let’s us see that she doesn’t see herself as attractive as Mich Money and some of the other women there.  She sees this as “game over” and that she’s lost Robert.
4. In so doing, she shows that she doesn’t believe or trust Robert’s interest in her.  Or rather, she thinks he likes her, but probably just as a friend.  She’s bemoaning the fact that she hasn’t made a move.
5. Most importantly and disappointingly, no one there has Sarah’s back.  She’s there for everyone else, but when she’s in need, everyone else ran away.  AshLee made an effort, but failed.  Lacy talked to her for a little bit, but didn’t want to deal with it and snuck away (in search of her Precioussss).  Even Elise was too busy getting ready for her date to care about Sarah.  (Need I remind you that Sarah was Elise’s shoulder to cry on for the entire transition period between Dylan and Chris… you know, the 20 hour transition).
6. After the double date, Sarah and Robert were together almost ALL the time.  Looks like that double date kind of back-fired.  And I would guess that Robert didn’t appreciate being surprised like he was.

Predictions

I don’t have my prediction sheet with me, but I’ll tell you this, it said something like:

Zack picks Clare

Graham picks AshLee

Marcus picks Lacy

Marquel picks Jackie

Robert picks Sarah

Chris picks himself

And that Danielle would somehow stay and that Elise and Mich Money would leave

I was close.  Chris did kind of pick himself and now he and Elise are gone.  I did not like either of them, so all I can say is that this brings me pleasure: http://www.wetpaint.com/bachelor-in-paradise/articles/2014-08-06-chris-bukowski-elise-mosca-breakup

Finally, one last note – I found Marcus’s comment about how he didn’t like Chris ever since Chris crashed “His [Marcus’s] season with Andi.”  Very interesting wording.  Marcus may be with Lacy, but he isn’t over Andi.

Marcus's Precious

Bachelor In Paradise – Episode 2 Viewing Guide: When Crazy Looks At Itself In The Mirror And Thinks, "Thank God I’m Not As Crazy As That!"

First off, Justin and Jessica challenged me to take a shot for every time Elise said Dylan or something incomprehensible.  A shot of alcohol would have killed me, though a shot of beer would not have been as bad as one would have thought.  I was still taking a swig every time one of the aforementioned things happened and only managed to make it through a little more than one beer.


You know, I had this whole idea about how I was going to write about Elise’s quick jaunt into crazytown and then decided to rent a room and take up residence there.  But I felt like that would be too easy.  That isn’t to say, I won’t talk about it, I just won’t spend too much time there. 

For those of you who have not yet decided to watch TTWWCBIP*, let me recap.  In episode 1, Elise tells the one-on-one camera that she has a huge crush on Dylan and she’s coming to Bachelor In Paradise to find love with him.  She does what any normal person with an obsessive crush would do, she meets him the first day, makes out with him, and the two become inseparable immediately.  In other words, she had already had the relationship with him in her mind BEFORE THEY MET.  Actually meeting was just a formality so that she could live out her fantasy.  

In episode 2, Dylan starts saying that he feels smothered and that they should meet other people on the island.  As he so un-artfully put it, he was fine if either of them got asked on a date by another person on BIP.  Elise did what anyone would do when their carefully crafted fantasy world comes crashing down: she had way too much to drink, put on a bikini that left way too little to the imagination (seriously, BIP had to edit in a bikini bottom because her g-string was, well, too much like string), and then went in the ocean and had a sexual encounter with whoever was willing to take advantage of her.  (And it was more than making out.)  “I mean, who hasn’t done that?” I said facetiously.

Then she did the inevitable – feel really bad, cry about it, talk to everyone else about it, and hope that her fantasy world would come back out of sheer repetition of it.  It’s like if Beetlejuice didn’t appear after saying his name three times and you said his name another 200 times and thought, “well if I say it ONE MORE TIME, maybe then it’ll work.”

Whatever.  We all saw it coming.  Sadly, we all can think of a time when something like that has happened to someone we know.

HOWEVER, I will say this.  What happened with Chris and Elise in the ocean was definitely toeing the line of consent (if not jumping over it).  Elise was at least tipsy, if not drunk, when she went on her ocean romp and I’m more than a little uncomfortable with the fact that everyone in the cast and crew watched it without intervening.  I think someone actually said, “she’s going to regret this tomorrow.”  All someone needed to do was go out into the ocean and say, “hey, why don’t you guys cool it down.”

* The Train Wreck We Call Bachelor In Paradise

The Mystery of Marquel – EXPLAINED

You may be wondering why Marquel would mention to his crush, Mich Money, that he felt that she drank too much mere minutes before the rose ceremony… and thus endangering his chances of getting a rose.    You may also be wondering why he was wearing the same glasses I had in 6^th grade (25 years ago) and why Mich Money was wearing a headpiece.  I have no answers for the accessory-ware.

HOWEVER, I can explain this…

Think about what goes on during Bachelor in Paradise.  You have 12-14 people just hanging out all day for a week in the same place.  Occasionally, two people leave for a date, but the remaining 10-12 just stay and do nothing all day.  They can’t communicate with friends at home.  They don’t seem to have too many “books”.  Being on BIP looks like it would get old very fast UNLESS you like high school drama.  And there’s a core group of like 7-8 people who love spending time talking about who is doing what: Graham, AshLee, Mich Money, Ben, Chris, Sarah, Clare, and Robert.

Notice how often Marquel is not “with” the group.  He spends lots of time in his room.  Mich Money is right in the center of it all.  They are definitely not clicking.  And I think that Marquel is doubting whether or not BIP is for him.  If he were to not get a rose, then that’s an easy way home.

The “Right Reasons” Myth and How We Don’t Give A Shit

Dear Producers of The Bachelor/Bachelorette/Bachelor In Paradise,

Please stop pushing this notion that some people are there for the right reasons (to find love) and some are there for the wrong reasons (to be on tv).  From our perspective, no one is there for the right reasons.  All we want is compelling tv.  For example, these are some things we care about: whether or not Elise truly believes that she’s going to have a fairytale ending with Dylan, Sarah’s biting commentary about everyone else on the show, love triangles.  And these are some things we couldn’t care less about: whether Michelle K. hooked up with a cameraman, whether Ben has fallen in love with someone back at home, Chris making an obvious attempt to prolong his 15 minutes of fame.

Thank you,

Josh

Voices of Reason vs 15 Minutes of Fame vs Voices in One’s Head

The way I see it, the producers need to maintain a balance on Bachelor In Paradise of the different personality types.  Upsetting the balance leads to progressively bad tv.

Voices of Reason: (see Sarah, Dylan) These are the people who end up counseling the crazies on the show.  They are the ones who don’t just fall in love with the first person they meet – they have standards.  They also make the show watchable.

15 Minutes of Fame: (see Chris, Ben) These are the people who are on the show for the notoriety it will bring them.  Who knows, maybe they like the format.  Maybe they like being paid to sit around and drink and ogle attractive men/women.  I consider these people to be filler.  They're a dime a dozen and we just don't really care about them too much.

Voices in One’s Head: (see Elise, AshLee) These are the people who get attached to someone right away.  The obsessives.  The crazies.  Too many of these and the show becomes complete trash.

Here’s the thing:

Fame Seekers and Crazies make a natural self-sustaining relationship.  The Fame Seeker knows that he/she is never getting kicked off, no matter what they do, because the Crazies don’t know when to say “enough.”

Fame Seekers can date other Fame Seekers.  That works.  It isn’t compelling tv, though.

Crazies can’t date Crazies.  That leads to domestic violence.

VOR (Voices of Reason) can’t date Crazies.  They realize that Crazy always stay Crazy.  And that gets scary (see Elise and Dylan)

VOR can’t date Fame Seekers.  I guess it is POSSIBLE, but ultimately, the Fame Seeker is being fake and the VOR can’t take it for too long (see Marquel and Mich Money)

VOR can date VOR.  But it isn’t compelling tv to watch a healthy relationship develop (I guess).

As long as we’re keeping score, I think this:

VOR – Marquel, Dylan, Sarah,

Crazies – Elise, AshLee, Clare, Marcus

Fame Seekers – Mich Money, Michelle K, Chris, Graham, Lacy, Daniella, Ben

Uncertain – Robert, Zack (though neither are crazy)

Notice the relationships:

Elise (Crazy) and Dylan (VOR)… didn’t work.  Elise (Crazy) and Chris (Fame Seeker)

Seriously, shave her head and she's Smeagol!  My preciousss

Marquel (VOR) and Mich Money (Fame) – not working

Marcus (Crazy) and Lacy (Fame) – working

Graham (Fame) and AshLee (Crazy) – working

Lacy (Fame) and Robert (Anything But Crazy) – didn’t work

Clare (Crazy) and Zack (Anything But Crazy) – currently working

Sarah Rules

I just want to say that I loved how Sarah handled the whole potential messy situation with the Crazy friend (Elise) and guy who was suddenly interested in her (Dylan).  Remember in the first episode where I said that there was no chemistry between her and Dylan?  Well, Sarah had a chance to give a rose to Dylan - a guy who was expressing interest in her.  She saw through Dylan’s play (she was the only single woman left) and held true to her first impression of Dylan.  It’s possible that she’ll be the odd woman out next week, but I like that she didn’t give in.

Other Comments That Need Addressing

Elise wins for most absurd comments this week.  Here are some samples:

“He put me in the shark tank”

“This is a bad nightmare” (as opposed to a good nightmare?)

“You’re literally killing me”  (shaking my head)

“But I was thinking about you the whole time” (in response to her making out with another guy)

BUT, let’s not forget some of the other ridiculous comments:

From Dumb (Lacy):

“I’m esstatic”

“It’s just Marcus and I now.”  (I know, I know, I’m petty for noticing bad grammar)

From Clare:

“Zack has good pheromones.  Is that crazy?”  (to which all of America said YES)

“Get ready for the shitshow”  (once again breaking the fourth wall)

From Idiot Chris:

Actually, before I even address Chris, let me state how obvious it is that he loves being on tv.  With his IQ, he should be on Real World or Real Househusbands of El Paso or Celebrity Rehab.  But the problem is that he thinks he’s smart and conniving simply because he’s willing to be the asshole while everyone else is playing fair.

“Dylan looks like a fat version of Matt Damon.  I’ll call him Fat Damon”  He also threw in a horrible Good Will Hunting pun that I am happy I can’t remember.  Seriously, I feel myself get dumber while he’s on screen.

Predictions Gone Wild

Before the Rose Ceremony Cocktail Party, I predicted the following:

Clare picks Zack

Sarah picks Robert

Mich Money picks Marquel

AshLee picks Graham

Elise picks Dylan (and Dylan says no) and then picks Chris

Lacy picks Marcus

Dylan goes home

AFTER the cocktail party, I wavered, and said that Sarah would pick Dylan.  I should have stuck to my guns!!  And I wish I had predicted that Elise would give a rambling speech after Dylan said no to the rose.