Someone asked me if my blog posts this season would be on the funny/humorous side or if I was going to be more serious in my posts. It is my intention to keep things light and funny, while still remaining insightful about the differences between men and women. That said, I think that this week has more on the serious side than it did on the humorous side.
The Chad
I have a sneaking suspicion (yes, tongue-in-cheek) that we're going to see much more of Chad's bullying and aggressive behavior in the next two episodes. Whenever you start getting sick of seeing Chad in everything, remember that the last famous Chad in pop culture was this character.
Several thoughts:
- The producers have done plenty to imply that Chad is (or recently was) on steroids. In this episode, the producers provided us with images of Chad doing pull-ups with his suitcase attached to a weight belt, the vast amount of protein powder in Chad's stuff, his aggressive behavior, and his constant eating. During the episode, I did a quick search on eating and steroids and found a bunch of hits where people speak anecdotally about being so damn hungry when taking steroids.
- We've been getting hit over the head with Chad's villainy. I get it that, in the words of Clint and JJ, "Villains gotta vill," but we are getting inundated with it. Chad provided commentary on EACH of the people to get a rose and why they suck. We're clearly setting up unnecessary drama for the Men Tell All episode.
- Speaking of VGV, note the Rule of Two from Star Wars (always two there are; no more no less. A master and an apprentice). Last Bachelorette had JJ (master) and Clint (apprentice). This season has Chad (master) and Daniel. BTW, way to go Daniel - you were the first in the pool, the sloppy drunk, AND the villain's apprentice. Consider this his tryout for Bachelor in Paradise.
- In a telling exchange, Daniel and Chad bemoaned the presence of so many nice guys in the mansion, leading to this gem of a quote from Chad: "I always tell women to stay away from the nice guys." (Why, because nice guys are always calling you on your bullshit?)
- On the group date at ESPN, Chad had a hard time getting into the light-heartedness of the activities. When everyone had to "propose" to Jojo, all the guys did a playful take on it and professed their undying love in the spirit of the date. Except for Chad who simply says, "will you marry me?" Chad doesn't seem to understand that being able to be relax, have fun, and play along with an activity is crucial in a relationship.
- A lot was made of Chad's use of the word "naggy" (after Chad's simplistic "proposal" he defended himself and said that Jojo was starting to sound a little naggy). I re-watched it a few times and it really sounded like he was trying to say it tongue-in-cheek. It was still a tone-deaf comment, but I didn't find it nearly as offensive as most of Chad's other behavior.
- Chad's logic is dizzying. He criticizes the other guys openly about the fact that they don't know Jojo at all. According to his logic, she is the prettiest girl they've ever met (Chad excluded) and they're completely smitten without any true feelings - they're either lying about their feelings or they are imagining things (man, what a buzz kill). Then Chad turns around and intimates in his private interview camera that no one has the connection he has with Jojo. What exactly is this dazzling connection based on? The same few minutes of time with her one-on-one during the cocktail parties that everyone has had? Who is the delusional one here?
- The truth is that Chad knows nothing about Jojo as an individual and what she wants in a relationship. In his private camera time, Chad keeps stating that he knows what Jojo wants (a real man like Chad). Note that in two episodes, we have yet to see Chad ask her a question about herself or about what she wants. Which leads me to....
Controlling and Manipulative Behavior
I was struck by Jojo's comments that she finds Chad to be mysterious and that she can't figure him out. Immediately, I thought back to a book I read several years ago called Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft - a book that explains and addresses controlling, manipulative, and abusive behavior by men toward women. Now I realize that all I've seen in Chad's behavior is the 20-30 minutes that we've been shown by the producers of The Bachelorette. Note that I'm not saying that Chad is a controlling or abusive man, but some of the behaviors I've seen from him are ones that I'd want to keep an eye on if he were dating a friend of mine.
One of the central principles of the book is that a controlling/abusive man has an inflated sense of his own importance in a relationship. Lundy Bancroft uses a very simple image in the book to illustrate this - imagine three circles representing the man, the woman, and the children. In healthier relationships, those three circles would be roughly the same size (in terms of importance). From the perspective of a controlling/abusive man, the "Man" circle is far bigger than the other two. (Note also that I am WAY oversimplifying this part of the book.)
Men like this use controlling and abusive behaviors to keep their partners off-balance, to keep them guessing, but mostly to keep the focus and attention on himself.
I noted several controlling behaviors by Chad beyond his keeping his conversations with Jojo focused on himself. Before the cocktail party, he waited out front for Jojo to show up - this was his way of controlling the fact that he would be the first one she saw AND that she would enter the cocktail party on HIS terms, not hers. And yes, it was equally a dick move to stick it to the other guys. During the cocktail party, he interrupted two different guys to spend more time with her. The second time was with Evan. Jojo pushed back a little and said that she was just finishing up her conversation. Chad simply waited FIVE STEPS AWAY from them, definitely within earshot, altering the course of the private conversation.
First One-on-One Date!
 |
| We know where that is! |
The first one-on-one date of the season was with Derek, the 29 year-old commercial banker from a small town in Indiana. The date itself was cute - a pseudo-choose-your-own-adventure affair wherein Derek and Jojo got to pick the course of their date. Sea or sky, north or south, etc. brought them to San Francisco and we learned that neither of them had ever been. They chose the Golden Gate Bridge experience and somehow lucked out to not have a crazy day of wind or fog.
Unfortunately for Derek, the recipient of the first one-on-one date doesn't seem to do well... if they're a guy. The last two guys to get the first one-on-one date were Clint (eliminated because Kaitlyn felt like he was starting to get too smug) and Eric (who left because he and Andi had a bit of a fight when he accused her of being fake). The women who get the first one-on-one date tend to do better (Caila came in third place last season, Megan quit six weeks into Chris's season, and Clare came in second on Juan Pablo's season (though some would say that she won because she spun that into TWO Bachelor in Paradise appearances AND she avoided being in a relationship with Juan Pablo).
I think that some of this has to do with social norms for men and women. Guys are expected to take the lead in dating - at least in the early stages. I could see it being difficult on the first or second guy to go on a group date to NOT be able to take the lead and that it would be difficult for the guy to know how to act in this environment. This isn't to say that women know how to act in an environment like The Bachelor, but I think there is more familiarity with waiting to for the guy to ask her out on a second date.
In Derek's case, I'm concerned that the length of time between first and second dates will be so long that he will start to question their connection and that they won't be able to maintain the chemistry when he sees her go on date after date with other guys, which is too bad, because he comes across as a quality guy with emotional intelligence. We learned that Derek had his heart broken years ago when his serious girlfriend was involved with another guy and he has had a hard time trusting another person. To me, this spells doom for him and Jojo - I can already hear the conversation where Jojo tells Derek that he needs to trust her and not close up and Derek just can't do it.
My guess is that Derek is going to find love on Bachelor in Paradise and that that format will be MUCH more conducive to what he needs from a relationship.
Stay tuned for the next blog post where we discuss "How Bachelor Contestants React To A Bully".
