Episodes 3 and 4 of The Bachelorette were back-to-back a few week ago on Monday and Tuesday, mostly centered around The Chad. Please note that I wrote the majority of this post before watching Episode 4 (where we had the 2-on-1 date).
There are so many obvious things to write about from this episode... mostly having to do with The Chad. I'm going to do my best to avoid dedicating this whole post to him.
Since we're a few weeks removed from the episode, this is the episode with the one-on-on date with Chase doing "yoga", the group date with the Sex Talks, and then the one-on with James T where they went swing dancing.
The Date With James T
But here's the problem - guys like James rarely are the sexy ones or the ones where physical chemistry is the focus. I think that part of it is that guys like James are about more than physical chemistry - it's emotional chemistry, it's communication, it's passion for life. You can hear Jojo talk about how perfect James is - his passion, his personality, the way she feels comfortable around him, the way he makes her feel special - but then she turns around and worries that they can't get out of the Friend Zone (a term I hate with a passion).
I understand that physical chemistry is very important to a relationship and you can't force something that isn't there. But a relationship needs to be based on much more than physical chemistry.
Responses To A Bully
Is there any questioning that The Chad is a bully? The Chad has really focused his anger on the weakest guy in the house - Evan. Notice that The Chad doesn't interrupt any of the front runners - Jordan, James T, Luke. But he is disrespectful to all the weaker ones.
 |
| As Evelyn said, Evan looks like he should have been the lead singer of an 80s band |
I am finding it fascinating to watch how the different guys in the house react to The Chad menace. So far, I've been able to categorize the response into six types (and please note that I'm not condemning anyone - I don't know how I would have responded to being bullied on national tv):
1) Fight Fire With Fire (not backing down physically) - Alex
2) Find The Bully's Weakness (in The Chad's case, it's talking) - Evan, Jordan, Luke
3) Ignore it (or create distance) and hope it resolves itself - James F, Wells, Christian, Nick, Derek
4) De-escalate the situation through peace-keeping - Vinny, Daniel
5) Observe and defend the weaker ones when necessary - Grant
6) Trying to explain things to him - Robby, James T
I found it interesting watching all the different micro-behaviors. In the first group discussion when the group date card comes and all the guys are trying to explain to The Chad why he's such an asshole (for not wanting to go on a group date with 12 other guys), everyone is kind of waiting for someone else to make the first move against Chad. Jordan, Evan, and Alex all directly confront The Chad. But some of the other guys make brief comments as if to test the water and get a sense of who in the group, if anyone, will stand up behind them.
At one point, Grant said "This is crazy" in response to Chad behavior, as if gauging whether someone else would say "yeah, it is crazy". I felt that if someone had responded, it would have emboldened Grant to say more. As it was, he was able to safely make the comment and then retreat without drawing Chad's direct ire. It's an effective tool when you don't want to put yourself too far out there, you say something to test how much influence you're going to have on the group.
Four Things I Liked
1) Who didn't like Daniel's intervention with The Chad wherein Daniel likened The Chad to Hitler and Trump, and then told him to tone it down to a Mussolini or a Bush level. Somewhere, Idi Amin and Stalin are furious. (Did you notice that The Chad was eating a RAW YAM during the interaction?)
2) Chris Harrison's interactions with Evan and then The Chad at the end of the show. I thought Chris was FANTASTIC - he didn't let on what he knew or what he didn't know, but instead got them both to speak in their own words what their experiences had been. He was effective at drawing them out. He could have easily said, "Chad, we watched the footage from two nights ago and Evan didn't push you" (notice that the security guards were already put in place before the conversation happened) but instead encouraged the two of them to work out their problems. Chris was clear to Chad what the boundaries were (no violence) and his expectations.
3) James fucking Taylor! The way he described the difficulty he had to overcome to build a strong self-image resonated SO MUCH with me and, I imagine, to many people watching the show. In essence, James talked about how kids made fun of the way he looked growing up and that he lost confidence in his own self-image and that he needed to build himself up by focusing on his positive qualities other than his appearance.
4) Jojo was great in this episode. I liked Jojo's sex-positive comments, affirming that sex is important in a relationship. Jojo's reaction to Chad trying to kiss her on stage in front of everyone was fantastic - rejecting his advance. But mostly, I loved how Jojo called out The Chad's behavior during the cocktail party portion of the group date. She was direct and confident with him, she named his behavior and told him to stop. It was a perfect reaction.
Three Things I Didn't Like
1) Jojo keeps using the grammatically incorrect, "him and I". It's so minor, I know I should just let it go, but it's killing me. It's either "he and I" when the subject of the sentence or "him and me" when the object in the sentence.
2) I loved that Evan embraced the whole "see something, say something" philosophy, but I wanted him to be much more assertive in how he stood up to Chad, how he spoke to Jojo, and how he spoke to Chris.
3) The "Yoga" date... THAT WAS NOT YOGA!! Maybe this was some strange vocal yoga class, but yoga does NOT entail screaming, shaking the arms, legs, faces, and tongues. There is no "Screamgasm" in yoga. Calling that yoga would be like if someone gave you a bagel with cream cheese, a little rice, and smoked salmon, then doused it in soy sauce and wasabi, gave you chopsticks and called it sushi. There are so many misperceptions of yoga out there (people who think it's anti-Christian, it's about sex, whatever) that this portrayal just further made yoga seem like a fringe thing. This yoga date disappointed me very much.
More On Controlling and Manipulative Behavior
The Chad exhibited a bunch more of his controlling behaviors: not letting Jojo have time with the other guys, trying to kiss Jojo in front of the whole audience at the group date, when Jojo asked for space from Chad to talk to Nick, Chad walked a short distance away and made a bunch of noise.
I found this interaction between The Chad and Jojo to be fascinating:
TC: "Are you like super confused about me?"
Jojo: "I'm more confused about you than I think..."
TC: "like anyone you've ever met or something?"
The Chad said this as if he's heard it before from other love interests and he wore it almost as a badge of honor. Jojo followed this up with: "I see so many different sides of you. I have the side of you I see with the guys. But then sometimes when you're with me, I see a very soft side of you - very sweet and sensitive."
In a controlling or abusive relationship, the confusion and the different behaviors Jojo is describing serve to keep the focus of the relationship on the man and disempowers the woman. It's a tool (often subconscious) that overinflates the man's sense of importance - he wants her to focus on him and not spend time thinking about her own needs.
That said, I am worried that The Chad will retaliate against Jojo for giving the group date rose to Evan.
