First off, Justin and Jessica challenged me to take a shot for every time Elise said Dylan or something incomprehensible. A shot of alcohol would have killed me, though a shot of beer would not have been as bad as one would have thought. I was still taking a swig every time one of the aforementioned things happened and only managed to make it through a little more than one beer.
You know, I had this whole idea about how I was going to write about Elise’s quick jaunt into crazytown and then decided to rent a room and take up residence there. But I felt like that would be too easy. That isn’t to say, I won’t talk about it, I just won’t spend too much time there.
For those of
you who have not yet decided to watch TTWWCBIP*, let me recap. In episode 1, Elise tells the one-on-one
camera that she has a huge crush on Dylan and she’s coming to Bachelor In
Paradise to find love with him. She does
what any normal person with an obsessive crush would do, she meets him the
first day, makes out with him, and the two become inseparable immediately. In other words, she had already had the
relationship with him in her mind BEFORE THEY MET. Actually meeting was just a formality so that
she could live out her fantasy.
In episode
2, Dylan starts saying that he feels smothered and that they should meet other
people on the island. As he so un-artfully
put it, he was fine if either of them got asked on a date by another person on
BIP. Elise did what anyone would do when
their carefully crafted fantasy world comes crashing down: she had way too much
to drink, put on a bikini that left way too little to the imagination (seriously,
BIP had to edit in a bikini bottom because her g-string was, well, too much
like string), and then went in the ocean and had a sexual encounter with
whoever was willing to take advantage of her.
(And it was more than making out.)
“I mean, who hasn’t done that?” I said facetiously.
Then she did
the inevitable – feel really bad, cry about it, talk to everyone else about it,
and hope that her fantasy world would come back out of sheer repetition of
it. It’s like if Beetlejuice didn’t
appear after saying his name three times and you said his name another 200
times and thought, “well if I say it ONE MORE TIME, maybe then it’ll work.”
Whatever. We all saw it coming. Sadly, we all can think of a time when something like that has happened to someone we know.
HOWEVER, I
will say this. What happened with Chris
and Elise in the ocean was definitely toeing the line of consent (if not jumping
over it). Elise was at least tipsy, if
not drunk, when she went on her ocean romp and I’m more than a little
uncomfortable with the fact that everyone in the cast and crew watched it
without intervening. I think someone
actually said, “she’s going to regret this tomorrow.” All someone needed to do was go out into the
ocean and say, “hey, why don’t you guys cool it down.”
* The Train
Wreck We Call Bachelor In Paradise
The Mystery of Marquel – EXPLAINED
You may be
wondering why Marquel would mention to his crush, Mich Money, that he felt that
she drank too much mere minutes before the rose ceremony… and thus endangering
his chances of getting a rose. You may
also be wondering why he was wearing the same glasses I had in 6th
grade (25 years ago) and why Mich Money was wearing a headpiece. I have no answers for the accessory-ware.
HOWEVER, I
can explain this…
Think about what goes on during Bachelor in Paradise. You have 12-14 people just hanging out all day for a week in the same place. Occasionally, two people leave for a date, but the remaining 10-12 just stay and do nothing all day. They can’t communicate with friends at home. They don’t seem to have too many “books”. Being on BIP looks like it would get old very fast UNLESS you like high school drama. And there’s a core group of like 7-8 people who love spending time talking about who is doing what: Graham, AshLee, Mich Money, Ben, Chris, Sarah, Clare, and Robert.
Notice how
often Marquel is not “with” the group.
He spends lots of time in his room.
Mich Money is right in the center of it all. They are definitely not clicking. And I think that Marquel is doubting whether
or not BIP is for him. If he were to not
get a rose, then that’s an easy way home.
The “Right Reasons” Myth and How We Don’t
Give A Shit
Dear
Producers of The Bachelor/Bachelorette/Bachelor In Paradise,
Please stop
pushing this notion that some people are there for the right reasons (to find
love) and some are there for the wrong reasons (to be on tv). From our perspective, no one is there for the
right reasons. All we want is compelling
tv. For example, these are some things
we care about: whether or not Elise truly believes that she’s going to have a
fairytale ending with Dylan, Sarah’s biting commentary about everyone else on
the show, love triangles. And these are
some things we couldn’t care less about: whether Michelle K. hooked up with a
cameraman, whether Ben has fallen in love with someone back at home, Chris
making an obvious attempt to prolong his 15 minutes of fame.
Thank you,
Josh
Voices of Reason vs 15 Minutes of Fame vs
Voices in One’s Head
The way I
see it, the producers need to maintain a balance on Bachelor In Paradise of the
different personality types. Upsetting
the balance leads to progressively bad tv.
Voices of
Reason: (see Sarah, Dylan) These are the people who end up counseling the
crazies on the show. They are the ones
who don’t just fall in love with the first person they meet – they have
standards. They also make the show
watchable.
15 Minutes
of Fame: (see Chris, Ben) These are the people who are on the show for the
notoriety it will bring them. Who knows,
maybe they like the format. Maybe they
like being paid to sit around and drink and ogle attractive men/women. I consider these people to be filler. They're a dime a dozen and we just don't really care about them too much.
Voices in
One’s Head: (see Elise, AshLee) These are the people who get attached to
someone right away. The obsessives. The crazies.
Too many of these and the show becomes complete trash.
Here’s the
thing:
Fame Seekers
and Crazies make a natural self-sustaining relationship. The Fame Seeker knows that he/she is never
getting kicked off, no matter what they do, because the Crazies don’t know when
to say “enough.”
Fame Seekers
can date other Fame Seekers. That
works. It isn’t compelling tv, though.
Crazies can’t
date Crazies. That leads to domestic
violence.
VOR (Voices
of Reason) can’t date Crazies. They
realize that Crazy always stay Crazy.
And that gets scary (see Elise and Dylan)
VOR can’t
date Fame Seekers. I guess it is
POSSIBLE, but ultimately, the Fame Seeker is being fake and the VOR can’t take
it for too long (see Marquel and Mich Money)
VOR can date
VOR. But it isn’t compelling tv to watch
a healthy relationship develop (I guess).
As long as
we’re keeping score, I think this:
VOR –
Marquel, Dylan, Sarah,
Crazies –
Elise, AshLee, Clare, Marcus
Fame Seekers
– Mich Money, Michelle K, Chris, Graham, Lacy, Daniella, Ben
Uncertain –
Robert, Zack (though neither are crazy)
Notice the
relationships:
Elise
(Crazy) and Dylan (VOR)… didn’t work.
Elise (Crazy) and Chris (Fame Seeker)
| Seriously, shave her head and she's Smeagol! My preciousss |
Marquel (VOR) and Mich Money (Fame) – not working
Marcus (Crazy) and Lacy (Fame) – working
Graham (Fame) and AshLee (Crazy) – working
Lacy (Fame) and Robert (Anything But Crazy) – didn’t work
Clare (Crazy) and Zack (Anything But Crazy) – currently working
Sarah Rules
I just want
to say that I loved how Sarah handled the whole potential messy situation with
the Crazy friend (Elise) and guy who was suddenly interested in her
(Dylan). Remember in the first episode
where I said that there was no chemistry between her and Dylan? Well, Sarah had a chance to give a rose to Dylan - a guy who was expressing interest in her.
She saw through Dylan’s play (she was the only single woman left) and held
true to her first impression of Dylan.
It’s possible that she’ll be the odd woman out next week, but I like
that she didn’t give in.
Other Comments That Need Addressing
Elise wins
for most absurd comments this week. Here
are some samples:
“He put me
in the shark tank”
“This is a
bad nightmare” (as opposed to a good nightmare?)
“You’re
literally killing me” (shaking my head)
“But I was
thinking about you the whole time” (in response to her making out with another
guy)
BUT, let’s
not forget some of the other ridiculous comments:
From Dumb
(Lacy):
“I’m esstatic”
“It’s just
Marcus and I now.” (I know, I know, I’m
petty for noticing bad grammar)
From Clare:
“Zack has
good pheromones. Is that crazy?” (to which all of America said YES)
“Get ready
for the shitshow” (once again breaking
the fourth wall)
From Idiot
Chris:
Actually,
before I even address Chris, let me state how obvious it is that he loves being
on tv. With his IQ, he should be on Real
World or Real Househusbands of El Paso or Celebrity Rehab. But the problem is that he thinks he’s smart
and conniving simply because he’s willing to be the asshole while everyone else
is playing fair.
“Dylan looks
like a fat version of Matt Damon. I’ll
call him Fat Damon” He also threw in a
horrible Good Will Hunting pun that I am happy I can’t remember. Seriously, I feel myself get dumber while he’s
on screen.
Predictions Gone Wild
Clare picks Zack
Sarah picks Robert
Mich Money picks Marquel
AshLee picks Graham
Elise picks Dylan (and Dylan says no) and then picks Chris
Lacy picks Marcus
Dylan goes home
AFTER the cocktail party, I wavered, and said that Sarah would pick Dylan. I should have stuck to my guns!! And I wish I had predicted that Elise would give a rambling speech after Dylan said no to the rose.
