Last
Monday’s Bachelor In Paradise was my favorite one yet because it featured so many
different approaches to this social experiment.
(Quick Disclaimer: I still have not watched last Tuesday’s episode of
Bachelor in Paradise, so my predictions and comments may end up being way off
base.)
Who is Safe?
First
off, with Chris leaving, we are left with five guys remaining. I am assuming that three new guys are
arriving this week, giving the six ladies eight choices. This made me pause the show in the first few
minutes and consider which guys were “safe” this week. (Though Mich Money’s behavior makes me think
that I need to remind all six women that they are “safe” this week since they’re
the ones handing out roses.) These are
my real-time picks, I have not edited them since writing them down… In order of
safest to most likely to leave the show:
- Robert – gave his rose to the most stable woman on the show. No way she stabs him in the back.
- Zack – I could see Clare being asked on a date by a new guy and Jackie swooping in to test the chemistry with him. Either way, Zack is getting a rose from Clare or Jackie.
- Marcus – he and Lacy have been MUCH too stable and I could see the producers sending in a guy with a huge crush on her just to mix things up and Marcus going nuts.
- Graham – the previews make it seem like something is going to happen between them. This may be too low a rank for him, but I could also see the producers engineering something where AshLee is asked out.
- Marquel – No way he’s making it past this week because A) last week was SO focused on him (two dates, one kiss), B) he picked Jackie who isn’t nearly as interested in him as he is in her, and C) he just isn’t that attentive to any women on the show.
Approaches By The Men:
The Good:
I
was SO thankful for Cody who brought not only a breath of fresh air with his
positivity, but also a very unassuming, genuine approach to interpersonal
relationships on the show. For those of
you who didn’t see Andi’s Marcus’s Season With Andi On The Bachelorette,
Cody was the same way on that season. He
looks like a total meathead, and though he wasn’t all that book smart nor did
he have much fashion sense, the man understands people well.
The way he approached asking Clare on a date was perfect. He was appropriately aggressive meaning that he respected Clare’s boundaries. He gave her the freedom and time to make a decision about whether or not to accept the date and then handled the rejection unusually gracefully. And then he further backed up his actions by giving his date card to someone else. His interactions with Clare and Zack after the rejection did not seem awkward at all.
The
fact that he and Mich Money organically stumbled upon some level of attraction
was actually pretty sweet.
The Bad (and kind of Ugly):
Kalon gave us all a lesson in how NOT to treat women or people in general. I think the only person willing to talk to him was Graham. In his short stint on the show, Kalon likened his attraction to all the women in Paradise to an alcoholic in a bar and then referred to two women tanning as sun lizards. He also had an odd interaction with Mich Money (who had initially accepted but then rejected the date) during which they rehashed his disrespectful behavior on a previous season of The Bachelorette. Without really listening to what Mich Money said, Kalon responded that this was all “water under the bridge”… leading me to wonder if Kalon even knew what that phrase meant.
That
said, Kalon going on a date with himself and the camera angles was freaking
hilarious. I could watch that again.
The Ugly:
Jesse, who looked most Neanderthal-ish, was both physically ugly and completely willing to lie to get what he wanted. Of course, I may just be upset that his behavior worked. For those of you who missed it, Jesse asked Jackie (who had just accepted a rose from Marquel) on a date. In the private camera, Jesse admits that the only two women who seemed available were Mich Money and Jackie. He sensed that Jackie was most available and asked her out because he wanted to stay in Paradise for more than a day. At one point during the date, Jackie asked Jesse why he picked her and if he wasn’t just strategizing to stay on the show. Jesse paused and lied, saying that he thought she was the most attractive (barf). And she ate that shit up. (Quadruple barf and shotgun blast to the head).
The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly 2 - The Crazy, The Simple, and The Bizarre
The Crazy:
Clare
was featured in two parts of the show: 1) when being asked out by Cody and 2)
when she found out through third parties that AshLee brought up her alleged
ocean sex with Juan Pablo.
In the first, Clare was very upfront with both Cody and Zack and demonstrated her commitment to Zack. I thought she was perceptive in pointing out that Zack was being non-committal to her. I also thought that she was also appropriately accepting when Zack came back to her and vowed his commitment to her. I think that she stood behind her words in turning down the date with Cody even after Zack was non-committal. What’s interesting was that this seemed to be a bit of a stylistic difference between VORs and Crazies. Crazies ask a question and want to hear a particular answer. VORs have a hard time being anything but honest when posed with a hypothetical.
Clare:
What would you do if a woman showed up and asked you on a date?
Answer
That Clare Wanted: I’d turn her down.
Answer
That Zack Gave: Well it depends.
Now,
I understand that Zack should have given the answer Clare wanted, but
technically, Zack was right. I mean,
what if fucking Jennifer Lopez walked into paradise and asked Zack out. Are you telling me that he’d say no? No way.
Or let’s say he got asked out by some random person
and both Clare and Zack agreed that it would be okay.
That said, I really do think that Clare approached that situation well.
HOWEVER...
That said, I really do think that Clare approached that situation well.
HOWEVER...
Clare showed her crazy when she
felt stabbed in the back by AshLee. Her scene where she was wearing no make-up and combing her hair while talking to Mich Money felt like it was straight out of a horror movie. I was actually scared for AshLee.
More importantly, she was pissed that Zack didn't "have her back". When she asked him, "Why didn't you tell her that she was wrong to bring it up?" he told her honestly that he did. Clare was still unsatisfied. You know it's serious when EVERYONE is scared to say anything for fear of upsetting Clare. My favorite moment was when Robert and Graham walked into a room and they could feel the tension but had no idea what was going on. But at the same time, they felt the need to stick around just in case shit went down. It was like Graham, Zack, and Robert were all bears who just wanted to do their own thing, but felt the need to stick around because the hyenas were getting rambunctious. And hyenas don't get so crazy when bears are around. (Look, I don't know if bears and hyenas share the same habitat, just go with it.)
More importantly, she was pissed that Zack didn't "have her back". When she asked him, "Why didn't you tell her that she was wrong to bring it up?" he told her honestly that he did. Clare was still unsatisfied. You know it's serious when EVERYONE is scared to say anything for fear of upsetting Clare. My favorite moment was when Robert and Graham walked into a room and they could feel the tension but had no idea what was going on. But at the same time, they felt the need to stick around just in case shit went down. It was like Graham, Zack, and Robert were all bears who just wanted to do their own thing, but felt the need to stick around because the hyenas were getting rambunctious. And hyenas don't get so crazy when bears are around. (Look, I don't know if bears and hyenas share the same habitat, just go with it.)
The Simple:
I
had such hopes for Jackie. I liked that
she gravitated to Sarah instead of the Crazies.
I liked that she turned down the date with Kalon. I loved that when on the date with Jesse, she
asked him point blank if he was just strategizing when asking her out because EVERYONE knew that Jesse was a player. Through her eyes, she definitely seemed to be
judging him acutely.
And
then she went and ate up his bullshit hook, line, and sinker. He was SO taken off-guard by the directness
of the question that it should have been obvious that he was scrambling for an
answer. But she ended up making the
mistake that so many girls and women make in their interactions with guys… they
WANT to hear the romantic words that they WANT to be true. Kind of a “he couldn’t say that if he didn’t
mean it” or “he couldn’t do that if he didn’t mean it.” But the fact of the matter is that guys KNOW
how to play the game. Tell her she looks
beautiful even if you don’t believe it.
Give her flowers even if you don’t care.
The Bizarre:
Why does anyone care that Clare may or may not have had sex in the ocean with Juan Pablo? Why does everyone talk about the new people as they enter (Kalon's an asshole, Mich Money is awesome), but then think that no one has pre-judged them? If people are so concerned about the cameras and microphones, why don't they spend more time in the ocean? Who cares if AshLee is a different person on camera than off?
Why is everyone focusing on the fact that AshLee said that Clare couldn't be trusted because she "has sex in oceans" as if that were a condition you could have? Why isn't anyone focusing on the fact that AshLee was very subtly making a move on Zack? Or that she was the ambassador for someone else (Jackie?) who was interested in him? Clare's all pissed off at the wrong things.
Why does Graham care SO MUCH that AshLee was the center of the controversy that he walks out of the rose ceremony? (Actually, I DO know the answer to that one... he's a fame seeker.) Why doesn't he just accept the rose and then get all drama-y in the next few days when HE has the rose to give out and has all the leverage?
And wait... how does this show end? At some point there are winners and losers, right? How do you win?
| They thought the cameras weren't watching!! |
Why is everyone focusing on the fact that AshLee said that Clare couldn't be trusted because she "has sex in oceans" as if that were a condition you could have? Why isn't anyone focusing on the fact that AshLee was very subtly making a move on Zack? Or that she was the ambassador for someone else (Jackie?) who was interested in him? Clare's all pissed off at the wrong things.
Why does Graham care SO MUCH that AshLee was the center of the controversy that he walks out of the rose ceremony? (Actually, I DO know the answer to that one... he's a fame seeker.) Why doesn't he just accept the rose and then get all drama-y in the next few days when HE has the rose to give out and has all the leverage?
And wait... how does this show end? At some point there are winners and losers, right? How do you win?
Quick Hits:
Time to update your vocabulary: Marcus to Lacy, “I’m very smitten by you.” Lacy’s response was to giggle and say "smitten” (as
if Marcus just made up a word).
I take it that you weren't the spelling bee champ either: Right after the rose ceremony from last week, this exchange:
Guy #1: So there's five guys now.
Guy #2: Really?
Guy #1: Yeah because Chris left.
I wouldn’t drink the water there: Jesse, on his date with Jackie, mispronounced the name of their date location as Rio Secreeto. Ewwww.
Guy #1: So there's five guys now.
Guy #2: Really?
Guy #1: Yeah because Chris left.
I wouldn’t drink the water there: Jesse, on his date with Jackie, mispronounced the name of their date location as Rio Secreeto. Ewwww.
So you’re saying there’s a chance: Sarah’s quote, “Kalon wouldn’t get close
enough to my mouth for me to throw up in his mouth if he tried to kiss me.”
Jerry Maguire 2… or not quite as
romantic as “You complete me”: Marcus to Lacy, “I see a lot of you, like, in
someone I can see a future with.” Read
carefully to see what he really just said.
Ironic, though not in the Alanis
Morissette sense:
Lacy telling the private camera that AshLee is fake and needs to “just
be you” while wearing a fuckton of make-up and practically looking like a new
contestant on the show.
The Princess Bride 2 - Inconceivable!: During his date with Lacy, he slipped and said the L word in the context of loving things about her. Lacy clearly took this to mean that he was "in love" with her. She clearly didn't watch Marcus's Season of The Bachelorette With Andi where he was "in love" with Andi by episode 2.
Matrix 2: In my week 1 viewer’s guide, I wrote “Lacy
seems somewhat down-to-earth.” Can I get
a do-over on that one? Just know that I
was keeping a running journal and it was an unedited stream of consciousness.
Goodfellas 2 – Goodfellas In
Paradise: After the
rose ceremony in Episode 3, the whole crew is walking back to the resort and
Zack is carrying a shovel. I’m hoping
that Chris got the old horse with a broken leg treatment.
Even the editors don’t care anymore:
In Mich Money’s opening spiel about how she didn’t know what she was going to
do (because all the guys are coupled up), there was a HORRIBLE voiceover edit
of the words “and now” to link two sentences together. Those words were three times louder than
either sentence before or after. The
only thing edited out was the producers going, “ahhh fuck it”.
Voices of Reason vs Crazies vs Fame Seekers:
See my episode 2 guide for more, but as far as I can tell, here is the current count:
VORs: Sarah, Robert, Zack,
Fame Seekers: Mich Money, Graham,
Crazies:
Cliffhanger 2 – Cliffhangerer: The show ends on a cliffhanger during the rose ceremony where Graham
walks out after being offered the rose from AshLee. And Mich Money runs after Graham.
My predictions before the rose ceremony were:
Lacy picks Marcus
Sarah picks Robert
Clare picks Zack
AshLee picks Graham
Mich Money picks Cody
Jackie picks Jesse
Marquel goes home to church and Kalon makes some stupid ass comments
So
what’s going to happen in Episode 5?
Here
are my guesses:
Graham
accepts the rose from AshLee (mostly because Graham likes being on TV and doesn’t
want to jeopardize that). Later in the
episode, they have a talk and AshLee freaks out and then does something dramatic. From her perspective, she just ruined her
relationship with her best “friend” on the show (in Clare). Graham is questioning his relationship with
her. And her other best “friend” on the
show (Mich Money) just showed that her allegiance lies with Graham, not
her.
We know from the series teaser that some drama happens involving blood and an ambulance. My first thought five weeks ago was domestic violence starring Marcus. Evelyn's first thought was suicide attempt. I'm thinking that Evelyn may be right.
We know from the series teaser that some drama happens involving blood and an ambulance. My first thought five weeks ago was domestic violence starring Marcus. Evelyn's first thought was suicide attempt. I'm thinking that Evelyn may be right.
